My family used to spend nearly every summer in New Hampshire, scene of some of my happiest memories. Alas, when the Old Man of the Mountains finally crumbled away, some of the falling rock must have conked restaurant owner Tom Boucher on the noggin.

How else to account for the unintentionally hilarious, rhetorically flatulent op-ed he penned for the Union Leader (never a bastion of progressive thought, to be sure). In this lengthy ode to his own perspicacity, Boucher grandly informs fellow citizens that, thanks to a few anecdotal observations of Foxwoods Resort Casino, he has definitely realized that casino gambling would be bad, bad baaaaaaaaaaad for the state that gave us President Franklin Pierce.

While Boucher and his brother enjoyed "good, hearty laughs," they found themselves surrounded by intense, frowning patrons. Worse still, were the casino staff, behaving "like they were under some sort of hypnotized trance of non-emotion and monotone movements." (Wow, I knew you could speak in a monotone, but I never realized you could move in one, too.)

As for the players, many of whom could be observed on the casino floor at the -- Gasp! -- "insanely late hour of 1 a.m.," Boucher notes disapprovingly that "were clearly non-tourist -- locals and people who certainly were not there for pure entertainment as my brothers and I were." (He also claims to be able to diagnose pathological gamblers on sight. Amazing fellow, this Boucher.)

Having beheld all of this -- plus several instances of bad parenting -- our William Jennings Bryan wannabe returns to his hotel room, wakes up his wife and delivers this orotund and wholly implausible stump speech:

"Everything I witnessed tonight confirms why I will never support slots or casinos in our state of New Hampshire. Some of what I saw tonight are reasons why casino gambling is wrong for New Hampshire. 

"What started in Vegas should stay in Vegas! I'll gladly pay the $200 plane ticket to fly to Vegas and enjoy gambling entertainment. It works for Vegas, but it's wrong for New Hampshire. Good night, honey."

Oh, snap! I feel so put in my place. And that "stay in Vegas" line -- bet he had to think long and hard to come up with such a novel bon mot. My sympathies, though, go out to Mrs. Boucher. Imagine being married to this sack of hot air. It's enough to make you want to grab a scotch-and-soda, a pack of cigarettes and the nearest slot machine, before settling down for a few hours of "disappointed, frustrated and in many cases, angry" gambling.