Hazmat? What's that? This year's Doofus Award goes to the anonymous genius who brought potentially lethal materials into Red Rock Resort. Seems that Red Rock personnel found a pillowcase full of drugs and carried it into the building, where -- upon opening -- the contents made several people ill on the spot.

Now, with Station staffers requiring immediate medical care, you'd think somebody would give the order to evacuate the hotel and casino. In the immortal words of John Belushi, "But nooooooooooooooo!" Anybody who was playing or staying in Red Rock that night (and theoretically in the path of danger) seems to have remained blissfully ignorant until the incident made the next day's newspaper.

It's reminscent of the story I once heard about a Teutonic casino boss who, upon receiving a bomb threat, had the executive offices evacuated, so the tale goes. He was careful, however, not to inform the employees or players. Had the joint gone "Kaboom!" ... well, there's always insurance, right? That Germanic S.O.B. has gone to his reward but it sounds like his spirit lives on.

How sadly apt that this debacle came right upon the heels of a Las Vegas Sun story that showcased the Fertitta Brothers as the poster boys of gaming industry greed. Normal compensation aside (and the salaries taken home by the Fertittas make J. Terrence Lanni seem a pauper, and Sheldon Adelson suddenly looks like my hero, St. Francis of Assisi), the UFC-lovin' duo carted away a collective $233.9 million as part of the buyout of Station Casinos. The brothers' insistence on being reimbursed for their stock options raised eyebrows at the time and it's downright reprehensible, in retrospect, now that Station is laying off employees while Frank III and Lorenzo make out like bandits.

Bottom line: This big executive cash-out reminds me of myself in my earlier, financially improvident years. They've got the cash in hand and if, God forbid, the hundreds of millions in buyouts to Station insiders tip the company into Chapter 11, or (more plausibly) force a writedown of the accumulated debt, that's somebody else's problem, brother.

Hard as it is to credit, robbery victim and Oakland Raiders wideout (and occasional ass-clown) Javon Walker would have us believe that three men could abduct him at gunpoint from Bellagio. If he's telling the truth, the eye-socket fracture Walker received would be matched with a shiner sported by MGM Mirage security.

An armed robbery in any part of the casino would be alarming enough, but I'm guessing that Walker was hanging in one of the high-roller suites, which would make the supposed brazenness of the alleged abduction more bothersome still -- if (a mighty big "IF") that's indeed what happened. MGM says it has turned over relevant (emphasis theirs) footage to Las Vegas Metro.

But ... I'm skeptical of Walker's tale. Very skeptical. (As in, "I'm not believing it for a second.") Why not rob him on the spot, in his room -- having clocked him upside the head -- instead of hauling your bruised victim over to the back side of Imperial Palace? How could you get him out of Bellagio unobserved? Doesn't the whole thing seem a bit ... mmmm ... risk-happy?

Even so, Walker might as well have been wearing a sandwich board that said, "Rob me, please." Spraying multiple bottles of champagne -- Dom Perignon, no less, $109-$169/bottle retail -- on partygoers at Tryst and Body English -- isn't just wasteful and conspicuous consumption. It's not simply the act of an idiot who's come into a lot of money and evidently hasn't a clue what to do with it.

It's also an excellent way of advertising yourself as a "mark" for any thug with half an inkling to take you down. I guess all those years of absorbing tackles on the gridiron have knocked loose whatever marbles the good Lord gave Walker back in the day.