First Things First

This article was first published in 2005. The specific game I was playing is no longer found at this particular casino — and now I’m married to Bonnie rather than Shirley. But the point the article makes is still a good one to remember.

I was playing NSU Deuces Wild one evening recently at the Palms. Depending on the specific promotion, I frequently play on multi denomination ($1, $2, $5) Triple Play / Five Play machines that have several choices of games to play. I hear a female voice to my right querying, “Why does everyone play Deuces Wild on these machines?”

I look up and see the question came from an extremely attractive woman in her mid-twenties. Her blouse was open, save for a couple of loose chains that kept the tips of her (I surmise) surgically-enhanced breasts barely out of view. If she bent over slightly, there would no longer be any doubt of the size, shape, and color of her areolas.

First things first. I immediately turn and check out my possessions. Sometimes I feed money into an adjacent machine in order to create a “Ticket In Ticket Out” ticket. A ticket of a thousand dollars might make a tempting prize if I could be distracted sufficiently to forget about it.

But no, I have no loose ends. I have a few tickets under my cell phone in the tray in front of me, but my knees are right there and I feel they are sufficiently protected. I have a bottle of water in the space next to me that could have been ripped off, I suppose, but I decide to fade that risk. I do have $2,500 in credits on the machine, which might seem like a lot of money to a lot of people, but on these machines is just a temporary score that will quickly change.

“Are you seriously wondering about video poker,” I ask, “or is this just something to talk about until you suggest a ‘date’ or otherwise have a plan to separate me from my money? You’re very pretty, but I’m older than your father, happily married, and don’t need that sort of complication in my life.”

She laughs. “I know I’m dressed to go to the nightclub here, but I really like to play video poker and am trying to learn.”

“Why did you pick me to ask?” I wonder if she recognizes me from television, or perhaps she took one of my classes sometime along the way.

“At random, I guess. I’m staying here and watched others play these machines all day, and most of them played Deuces Wild, and played it fast. You’re the only one here now, and you’re also playing Deuces Wild fast, so I asked you.”

So I flip to the “Pay Schedule” screen and show her the 16 and 10 that delineate NSU Deuces Wild, and tell her the game returns 99.73% when played well. I show her the 9 and 6 in Double Double Bonus and tell her that is worth 98.98%, and the 9 and 7 in Double Bonus and told her that game is worth 99.11%.

She isn’t wearing glasses so has to bend over to get close enough to the screen to see the numbers, forcing her blouse to fall away from her body. Frankly, I briefly enjoy the view, manage not to stare too hard, and find myself stammering. Thereafter I have to consciously keep my eyes glued to the screen in order to concentrate on what I am saying.

She tells me that video poker is an easy game to figure out, and asks me to play a few hands and she’ll tell me how she’d play. She does fine for a few hands, but then neglects to hold inside straights, treats all 2-card royals the same (including holding a suited AK), and erroneously prefers all 2-card royals over 3-card straight flushes. I tell her she is probably giving up more than an extra percent that she doesn’t have to, and she’ll benefit from some study. I tell her about bobdancer.com, of course, and suggest what she should purchase if she wants to improve. She promises she would, although I don’t ask her name and have no way of checking.

As she leaves, a professional player I know comes up to me and asks with a smirk, “Shirley out of town?”

“As a matter of fact ‘yes’, but I don’t think that’s relevant. I frequently answer questions from students. The fact that this one was very attractive didn’t have a large bearing — although admittedly it was a pleasant non-bearing.”

Then he turns serious. “Did you suspect a scam at first?” he asks.

“As a matter of fact, I did.” And I tell him about first checking whether I have anything unprotected that could be ripped off. We both have been around the Las Vegas block a few times and know of such “distraction” swindles. My lasting memory of this encounter was I had the presence of mind to take care of business first and react like a man second.

Either I’m getting smarter or just getting old. I hope it’s the former.