Nebraska

Tidal Wave in Atlantic City; FanDuel hits paydirt

Is Ocean Casino Resort‘s new leadership sweating comps? Our East Coast correspondent tried to score two for a Boz Scaggs concert, couldn’t, but paid anyway. What did he see? “The concert was far from being sold out. Do you think they could have given away ‘comp’ tickets for at least some of those empty seats?” Even so, the casino floor “was still very crowded” at 11 p.m. He did spot a construction flaw in the ultra-popular casino: “The other photo is in the self-park garage. I’m not an engineer, but isn’t the concrete supposed to meet the metal? The light you see is from the garage level below.”

Flamingo sale? Forget it!; Mega-Jottings

Caesars Entertainment formally took the Flamingo off the sale block yesterday, at least for the foreseeable future. CEO Tom Reeg cited ‘market conditions‘ (odd when the Las Vegas Strip keeps breaking records). There is also the complication that Vici Properties has right of first refusal on a sale, throwing a cock-block on any big spender the Flamingo might attract. Chances are, having knocked the price down from $2 billion to $1 billion to $800 million, Reeg is still having trouble finding takers for the property. Planet Hollywood theoretically remains in play but Reeg’s preposterous insistence on keeping the conjoined Zappos Theater (Or have they changed the name again?) is a serious deterrent. “There are plenty of interested parties,” Reeg claimed, blaming his inability to cut a deal on “the financing environment is what it is. If that’s going to impact what someone will pay, there’s a level I’m not going to chase, and I’m very happy to just clip the free cash flow and come back later.”

Atlantic City notes; MGM Singapore?; Mega-Jottings

Ocean Casino Resort has unveiled its pricey new sports book and our Atlantic City correspondent deems it nothing short of “spectacular! In the center is a circular bar, surrounded by TV screens. There is a set of steps (and elevator) to the Balcony Bar overlooking the main area. Borgata‘s sports book used to be number-one in being attractive. Not any longer.” Our man on the town stayed at Hard Rock Atlantic City and reports “it’s much nicer here at Hard Rock than Bally’s; here you can choose from four or five breakfast places that are open.” Meanwhile, all bets are off for the Golden Nugget and Resorts Atlantic City. They have until Tuesday to reach terms with Unite-Here and if they poor-mouth the union then pickets are a certainty.

Maryland weaker, Illinois stronger; Mickelson in denial

Even as playing levels normalize from last year, gambling revenues continue their upward tread. Maryland, for instance, was 4% higher in May than a year ago (and 17.5% above 2019). Had there not been one fewer weekend day than in 2021, that tally should have been more impressive still. However, the growth was generated almost entirely by MGM National Harbor, which banked $76 million, an 11% surge. Maryland Live was 2% higher, grossing $63 million. Everyone else found consumers curbing their spending habits. Horseshoe Baltimore brought home a weak $18 million, down 9.5%. Out west, Rocky Gap Resort grossed $6 million (-5.5%) while Hollywood Perryville, in the east, netted $8 million but slipped 3%. That left Ocean Downs, which dipped 1% to $8.5 million. Established brands have little to worry about, it would appear, but smaller fry have cause for concern going forward.

Atlantic City prospers; Inflation vs. gaming: Which prevails?

Liar, liar, pants on fire. That’s what we say to Atlantic City casino executives who predict the coming of the Apocalypse is smoking is banned in their premises. First-quarter gross operating profits were up even by pre-pandemic standards, which hardly makes it sound as though the sky is about to fall. GOPs were 63% over last year and 79% higher than 2019. The downside is that the prosperity was largely confined to four casinos, three usual suspects (Borgata, Hard Rock Atlantic City and Ocean Casino Resort) and one overachiever (Tropicana Atlantic City). Everybody else posted lower GOPs than in 1Q19. And Bally’s Atlantic City recorded a modest loss—$8.5 million—in 1Q22. Borgata pocketed $46 million, Hard Rock made $27 million, Ocean bagged $5.5 million while Tropicana took home $20 million. (Ocean had the highest hotel occupancy, 81.5%, while Golden Nugget brought up the rear at 41.5%. That’s a lot of empty rooms. If you want a cheap room, try Resorts Atlantic City‘s average $106/night, while Ocean’s $209/night is the priciest.)

Meet Lori Leadfoot; Flamingo shopped

A comedy of errors is playing out in Chicago. After Mayor Lori Lightfoot (D) was reported by the Chicago Sun-Times to have gift-wrapped the winning bid for Bally’s Corp., Her Honor immediately backpedaled, saying, “We have a very specific process, and the process is there is an evaluation committee that’s been hard at work through this process. They will evaluate all the information that has been provided by the three finalists and they will give their recommendation to me.” Evidently Lightfoot didn’t trust her own process or was lying through her teeth, as reports leaked out later that day that Bally’s Chairman Soo Kim was flying to the Second City to be awarded the gaming concession.

The fait accompli went out over the wires yesterday morning, in an official press release in which Lightfoot said, “Following significant analyses and community input on all aspects of our three finalists for Chicago’s casino license, the selection committee and I have chosen Bally’s to move forward in the development of the City’s first integrated casino resort. We are confident that Bally’s Tribune Publishing Center development will shore up the City’s pension funds, create thousands of good-paying jobs, and lead to a bright financial future for our city.” Chimed in Kim, “We would like to thank Mayor Lightfoot and her office for conducting a tough, but fair, RFP process, and selecting Bally’s Chicago as the final bidder for the City’s casino,” Of course it’s “tough but fair” when you’re the winner. Hard Rock International and Rush Street Gaming‘s Neil Bluhm might disagree.

If at first you don’t succeed … sue; Academy Awards odds posted

It’s a tried and true adage of American life that if you can’t get what you want fair and square, take it to court. Case in point: Full House Resorts. Having lost out on the Indiana Gaming Commission‘s selection of a casino developer for Terre Haute, Full House is siccing its lawyers on the IGC, charging it with lawbreaking. And the IGC may have handed Full House a valid case by adjourning in mid-meeting to hold an executive session, something Indiana open-meeting laws expressly forbid. The gist of that secret conclave may never be known but Full House’s proposal went from contender to zero in the interim. Full House’s implication—the fix was in.

Encore owns Massachusetts; Online slot players hosed

Massachusetts gaming revenue accelerated to $96 million last month, 23% higher than 2019. Encore Boston Harbor vaulted 37% to $63 million—yes, two-thirds of the statewide gross and well above Deutsche Bank‘s forecast of $55 million. Despite Wynn Resorts‘ dominance, Plainridge Park managed to add 4.5% to its 2019 numbers, grossing $12 million (Deutsche Bank was right on the money with that one). MGM Springfield didn’t exactly struggle but it was only 1% up, winning $21.5 million. Back when the Bay State was initially in play, Wynn sussed out Boston as a real gold mine and has been triumphantly ratified.

American Gaming Systems has been all over the news lately and not in a good way. 15 players are lodging complaints against the online-slot maker. What did they do wrong? Basically, they made the mistake of beating the AGS house. The latter isn’t paying, chalking up player victories to ‘a bug’ in the system, that old saw. This is the kind of thing that gives Internet gambling a black eye and AGS should definitely be investigated further than it has. In one case, player Lisa Piluso won $100,000, was offered $280 and later had that upped to $1,000, presumably AGS’ idea of being george. To us, it doesn’t matter a fig whether the AGS software was corrupted (how very confidence-inspiring) or not. Players expect a game to be on the square and should get one that is.

Monster monopoly on the Strip?; Caesars wows Wall Street

In a deal that Nevada regulators would block if they had an ounce of spine, MGM Growth Properties proposes to sell itself to Vici Properties, which would put nearly all the prime land on the Las Vegas Strip under one owner. Vici already owns most Caesars-branded properties on the Strip and is on the verge of adding The Venetian and Palazzo. It was, as Deutsche Bank analyst Carlo Santarelli put it with delicious understatement, “a deal with far-reaching implications.” The price tag is a whopping $17.2 billion, paid in a mix of cash and stock. Of that, $5.7 billion is debt already carried by MGP. Adds Santarelli, “the true driver of M&A in the [REIT] sector was cost of capital, and with VICI having traded at a healthy equity premium to the group for some time, with access to inexpensive debt financing, the transaction makes both intuitive and financial sense.” Still, $17.2 billion is a not-inconsiderable amount of debt, however low your interest payments may be (3.75% in this case).

“In 2016 we started on our journey to become asset light and this announcement, together with our recently announced Springfield and CityCenter transactions, reflects the culmination of those efforts and a major step forward in simplifying our corporate structure,” said CEO Bill Hornbuckle. “As a result of these actions, we are well positioned and remain focused on pursuing growth opportunities in our core business, with significant financial flexibility to continue to deploy capital to maximize shareholder value.” In a goodbye note to MGM, MGP Chairman Paul Salem wrote, “We are thankful to the MGP management team for all of their efforts to develop MGP into a premier gaming REIT.” “We have always admired the exceptional quality of MGP’s real estate portfolio,” added Vici CEO Ed Pitoniak, unable to conceal his glee.

Resorts World a smash hit; Cranky Maine woman stiffs tribes

Resorts World Las Vegas Officially Debuts as First Ground-Up Resort Built on Las Vegas Strip in Over a Decade

Some of us thought Nevada would never regain the giddy gambling heights of 2007. We were wrong. May was the best month in Silver State history, as casinos raked in $1.2 billion. (The previous high was in October 2007, on the cusp of the Great Recession.) Admittedly, it was a long march—14 years, but Big Gaming is arguably healthier than it has ever been. Look for that new record to fall soon. It was achieved in a month during which casinos were still operating with capacity constraints. Think what’s probably been happening since Gov. Steve Sisolak (D) lowered all the restraints on June 1. In May it appears to have been a case of fewer players wagering more, as occupancy hovered at 71%, averaging 88% on weekends. That’s still shy of 2019 levels. Slot play, however, hit an all-time peak, while sports betting saw $27 million in revenue from $477.5 million in handle. All of this bounty fattened Sisolak’s tax coffers to the tune of $107 million.

Resorts World Las Vegas, meanwhile, is out of the starting blocks fast. It saw 20,000 visitors its first weekend and is, if my sources are to be believed, the new must-see attraction in Las Vegas. That’s quite a journey from being an iffy prospect when Genting Group took it over, lo, those many years ago. Genting’s patience has paid off and it opened just as the wave of Vegas tourism curled and crested. It’s far too soon to assess its long-term prospects but it throws a lifeline to Circus Circus and Sahara, two casinos whose business plan seems to have been to hunker down and wait for Resorts World to rescue them. There’s already some rather precipitate talk about putting a megaresort across from the Sahara but, in the time it will take to build one, we’ll have a much better idea if the north Strip is here to stay, so to speak. As for Resorts World itself, we will leave the assessments to those who have actually seen it, which Yr. Humble Blogger will be unable to do until Global Gaming Expo in October. In the meantime, have one on us, Sin City. You’ve earned it.

Pennsylvania booms and busts, Massachusetts lags

Casino revenues were $270.5 million last month in Pennsylvania, down 22% from March 2019, another exception to the wave of recovery sweeping the country. Slots accounted for $199 million, tables for $71.5 million. Casinos were held to 50% of capacity, moving to 75% this month. King of the terrestrial casinos was Parx, far and away the leader with $53 million, only 6% down. Philadelphia Live may have done ‘only’ $20 million but solidified its hold on second place in the greater Philly market. Rivers Philadelphia was just under $20 million but down 28%, Harrah’s Philadelphia grossed $16.5 million, a 34% tumble and Valley Forge Casino Resort notched $10.5 million, a 19% slippage. In other major markets, Wind Creek Bethlehem won $34 million, a 33% falloff, Rivers Pittsburgh did $27.5 million, down 23% and Mohegan Sun at Pocono Downs dipped 14% to $18.5 million. Mount Airy defended its market share best, off 4.5% to $15.5 million.

Elsewhere, Presque Isle Downs fell 21.5% to $10 million, The Meadows racino tumbled 37% to $15 million, Hollywood Penn National slipped 17% to $20 million, and Live Pittsburgh grossed $8 million (no comparison available). Oh, and little Lady Luck Nemacolin slid 26.5% to $2 million.

Welcome to Less Vegas

Caesars Entertainment, aka Eldorado Resorts, has become possessed by the evil spirit of spare-every-expense Columbia Sussex. In one of the most odious of recent cutpurse moves, bartenders have been ordered to short-pour liquor: The ‘new normal’ is .75 ounces per drink, meaning you’ll have to buy more drinks in order to get that buzz going. Caesars has been the prime offender in recent moves such as jacked-up table limits but this story, broken by Vital Vegas, has clearly struck a nerve, going viral in no time flat. (Viral Vegas?) CEO Tom Reeg had already established a reputation for cheeseparing but this move couldn’t have been better designed to alienate customers if he tried. Much more of this and Sin City will lose its cachet as a bargain destination, if it hasn’t already.

To get to the nub of the issue, Linq has essentially halved the amount of liquor that will be poured into your Vodka Cranberry but will of course charge you just as much for it as though it were actually a stiff drink. (It’s 1.25 oz. per pour at MGM Resorts International, in case you wondering.) Vital Vegas paid a visit to Linq and found it in a significantly down-market state: “there were virtually no customers. Entire swaths of table games have been removed and replaced with slot machines. Such moves make some sense given low demand (table games involve much higher labor costs), but even if these changes are temporary, you’d think casinos would want to draw customers, not repel them with weak drinks.” Indeed.

Bailout for Tilman; Casinos to the Big Apple; Mega-Jottings

It was a $6.6 billion rescue package that Golden Nugget CEO Tilman Fertitta received, in the form of a merger with FAST Acquisition. Fertitta’s been hard up for cash and forks over a portion of his casino empire in return for some badly needed liquidity. The deal gives FAST “voting control and ownership by the Company of approximately 31 million shares, or nearly half of all outstanding shares in Golden Nugget Online Gaming (NASDAQ:GNOG) … Mr. Fertitta will also be the company’s largest shareholder, with an approximately 60 percent interest in the company and stock valued upon the closing of the transaction in excess of $2 billion dollars.” The Nuggets will also be getting a $1.4 billion infusion of public equity capital. FAST stock hopped 20% on the news. The Bubba Gump’s, Chart House, Del Frisco’s, Mastro’s and Morton’s restaurant chains are also included in the deal, for which some feel gaming was an afterthought. However, the Nuggets have been outperforming the rest of the casino industry in recent stages of the pandemic. Public investors, take heart: 4% of the company will still be put up for sale.

A casino in Times Square? It could happen. L&L Holding Co. has pitched the idea of a $2.5 billion megaresort at 1568 Broadway, part of a larger, mixed-use development (hotel, retail, concert hall, all that jazz). Not having gaming experience, L&L is looking for a joint-venture partner (Las Vegas Sands, take heed). This isn’t the only casino being proposed for Manhattan: a Herald Square one has been floated by Vornado Realty Trust. Both developers seem to be banking on economic and political pressure to accelerate the 2023 deadline for opening New York City to full-fledged casinos. At present, L&L is proceeding, in part, with EB-5 loans from foreign investors, a business model with which Las Vegas is well acquainted.

Mixed readings on Vegas recovery; Trump vs. Titus

How bad is it in Las Vegas? Well, the latest edict from MGM Resorts International is that The Mirage will be closed from Monday at noon to Thursday at noon, INCLUDING the casino. (We felt that news needed a bit of extra emphasis.) Even the volcano is shutting down. That’s dire. It’s also further confirmation of what we’ve been hearing for months, that Las Vegas’ recovery is wont to be sluggish. While 2022 seems a long time to wait for a comeback, it could be worse. Tourism to New York City is not expected to return to pre-pandemic levels until 2025. What tourists want now, asserts the Reno Gazette-Journal‘s Ed Komenda is “a place that’s clean and secluded and far from the perils of the pandemic.” That’s not Vegas, where Covid-19 levels are skyrocketing and Gov. Steve Sisolak (D) dithers over whether to re-close the casinos. (Will the Nevada Resort Association or Culinary Union allow it?)

Veteran reporter Howard Stutz points to a near-total absence of international travel. “That’s why Palazzo closed. They didn’t have international business. It’s a ghost town there.” He thinks midweek closures will be the order of the day. After all, Sin City is trying to maintain 2020 A.D. room inventory on 1993 levels of business. Stutz says recovery projections are “all over the place. If the vaccine works, if this pandemic starts going away and other parts of the economy start rebounding, then we’re going to start seeing more visitation maybe by summer.” Until then, he predicts a “terrible” November (think how bad it is elsewhere in the country and then magnify that) and worse December.

Horseplay in Massachusetts and Monday mega-jottings

At age 86, horse owner Armand Janjigian is as alive and kicking as the thoroughbreds he wants to race in Massachusetts. No, he doesn’t have a track but he’s busily snapping up land for one. He’s also going to need a big lift from the Lege. How come? Well, obviously, horse racing isn’t what it used to be. Janjigian’s solution requires the legalization of sports betting in the Bay State and—you guessed it—casino gambling. Mind you, there’s only one racino in the state per statute and Penn National Gaming has it. Janjigian, however, has his eye on the Sturbridge area and thinks he can get a casino merely by having the zoning rules rewritten. The project would cost $25 million. The mogul, who aims for a Saratoga-like experience for horse players, would have a monopoly on thoroughbred racing, Suffolk Downs having closed after failing to strong-arm the state into a racino license.

Reports the Boston Globe, “The Sturbridge project … would be predominantly agricultural in nature: A one-mile synthetic track would be its centerpiece, with a ⅞-mile turf track inside the oval. There would also be space devoted to horses whose racing careers are over.” A familiar name has surfaced as part of the Sturbridge deal: Richard “Coastal Marina” Fields, late of Suffolk Downs. He asserts that the track doesn’t lead a casino license in order to have gambling, just legal sports betting. Spectrum Gaming Group, a trustworthy outfit, estimates that could boil down to $2 million in annual track revenue. Beacon Hill is indeed weighing legalized sports wagering but it’s hostage to budget negotiations. Time for Janjigian to do a little high-profile lobbying.

Park MGM re-closes; Gaming’s 2020 mandate

No, it’s got nothing to do with the smoking ban. Well, maybe. MGM Resorts International, as we mentioned yesterday, has decided it has too much hotel-room inventory going to waste on the Las Vegas Strip. As part of an austerity move, Park MGM is the first casualty, going dark (except for restaurants) from noon Mondays to noon Thursdays. Why Park MGM? It’s the only MGM Strip property to be operating in the red, making it a natural and inviting target for cutbacks. “While we do not currently expect the mid-week closures to remain in effect past December, we will continue evaluating business levels to determine how long Park MGM’s mid-week hotel closures remain in effect,” said marketing viceroy Anton Nikodemus. Interesting that MGM is, in effect, writing off New Year’s Eve, traditionally a booming period for business. But these are not traditional times in which we live.

Now that gaming has run the table of every single referendum in yesterday’s election, the question becomes: Who benefits? Well, consumers obviously. But what’s Wall Street‘s take? JP Morgan analyst Joseph Greff burnt some midnight oil and came to the following conclusions …

Election Special: “The biggest political event ever”

An anonymous British financier will have to wait another 24 hours to find out if his $5 million bet on Donald Trump comes up a winner. He’ll pocket $15 million from Curaçao bookies if it does. The flutter, made after consultation with Trump insiders (who had better crystal balls than Biden ones) is said to be the largest political bet ever made. What’s more, there was heavy movement toward Trump (75% of bets at Ladbrokes) in the waning days of the presidential campaign. Paddy Power did even more: 93% pro-Trump bets. Ladbrokes’ Jessica O’Reilly said, prior to the vote, “[Joe] Biden looks home and hosed according to the bookies and pollsters, but even at the eleventh-hour punters are continuing to back Trump at the odds on offer.” Bets on Biden wouldn’t yield much if he won: $1,986,903 on a $1.3 million wager, so the ‘red wave’ makes sense. GVC‘s supremo of political betting, Matthew Shaddick said, “It is twice as big as 2016, easily making it the biggest political event ever.”

We spoke recently with BetMGM Vice President of Trading Jason Scott and he thinks the U.S. gaming industry is missing out on something huge: “I’d love to see the first [state] to allow betting on elections. The 2016 U.S. presidential election was the largest betting event in the world, ever, and it will get doubled next week by the 2020 election … Those like us that are doing the right thing, betting in a regulated market, in a way we’re disadvantaged, so I’d love to see elections get regulated.”

Kings for a day; Covid’s casino kingpin

As you know, DraftKings is the current darling of Wall Street, its stock hovering around $50/share. Today Credit Suisse analyst Ben Chaiken initiated coverage with an “outperform” rating, putting a $76/share price target on the stock. He even went to far to call the stock “undervalued.” Given what we’ve seen from DKNG so far, that does not strike us as the least bit over-optimistic. Wrote Chaiken, “the structural growth story is still in its infancy. DKNG has access to only ~18% of the population with mobile betting, and line of sight opportunity to a few other states. As was seen following ‘08/’09, the legalization of land based gaming almost doubled, and we think a similar dynamic could occur post-COVID with sports betting, as states look to fill in budget gaps.”

As for as-yet-untapped California, it “alone represents 12% of the U.S. population vs DKNG’s existing penetration of ~18% … DKNG is the only pure-play US mobile sports betting name. While there is concern over valuation by some in the investment community, we don’t think that it fully captures the accelerating growth pipeline available to DKNG or the earlier stage in its own lifecycle relative to peers.” Chaiken’s bet is, he acknowledges, not without risks. States have to keep on legalizing sports betting—we’re not too worried on that front—and major-league sports have to keep plugging away in the face of Covid-19, which is much more of a question mark. Just ask the NFL. Perhaps, as Colin Jost suggested on Saturday Night Live, we should make NBA Commissioner Adam Stern the next president. He knows how to maintain an impenetrable Covid bubble … and was the first commish to get on board with legitimate sports betting, to boot.

Maryland returns to normal; Caesars offloads assets

Pandemic? What pandemic? Maryland casino revenues were 1% above last September’s, indicating a resumption of normality, at least where gambling is concerned. The statewide gross was $149.5 million. That’s despite restrictions that include keeping the casino floor at 50% of capacity. MGM National Harbor was flat at $57.5 million, with its VLTs down 3% but tables up 3%. Since table revenues are taxed at a much lower rate in the Free State, that’s a shift that MGM execs will be happy to take. MGM’s market share was 40%, compared to Maryland Live‘s 34%. The latter was up 3% to $49 million. Horseshoe Baltimore continues to slide into irrelevance (even with both baseball and football in season in its vicinity), down 5% to $17.5 million. Hollywood Perryville vaulted 12.5% to $7 million and Ocean Downs was up 3% to $8 million. Out west, Rocky Gap Resort rose 5% to $5 million.

West Virginia, by contrast, had a terrible month. Casino revenues fell 21%, with tables plummeting 40% and slot win falling 2o%. Charles Town Races fared worse, thanks to a -49% disaster in table win. Slots slipped 17% for an overall decline of 24%. Up north, in Pennsylvania, while Cordish Cos. still hasn’t opened Stadium Casino, its satellite is almost ready to go. Live Casino Pittsburgh, a $150 million project is set to debut late next month. Cordish execs are trying to remain optimistic in the face of Covid-19 restrictions that have sent other area casinos reeling.

It’s Coronavirus’ world, we just live in it

Some days it just doesn’t pay to be Oklahoma Gov. Kevin Stitt (R). He’s lost authority over the eastern half of the Sooner State. How? The U.S. Supreme Court—hardly a hotbed of bleeding-heart liberals—ruled that historical claims by the Muscogee Creek Nation take precedence over state rule, turning eastern Oklahoma into one giant reservation, including Stitt’s home base of Tulsa. We’re still waiting to see how this shakes out for tribal gaming but it looks like a win-win. Then the Oklahoma Supreme Court voided Stitt’s new gaming compacts, siding with Attorney General Mike Hunter and lawmakers who said that Stitt overstepped his authority by unilaterally authorizing sports betting, among other (expensive) sins. If that weren’t enough to put Stitt in a sickbed he contracted Coronavirus, mainly through his own careless behavior, having made a point of mingling, maskless, in public as much as possible. Oklahoma, in fact, has some of the laxest social-distancing rules in the nation. And it’s paying the price. Stitt might just want to pull the blanket over his head and wait until his term is over.

Even worse than Oklahoma in the spread of Covid-19 is our beloved Nevada, ranked fifth by the Centers for Disease Control in rising death rates. (Alabama is #1, followed by Florida.) Last Wednesday, 1,100 new cases were reported, along with 28 deaths. In the meantime, the Babylon Bee directly skewered Gov. Steve Sisolak‘s hypocrisy about Big Gaming (which holds the purse strings) and Coronavirus. It reported that the (fictive) Calvary Chapel of the Desert had gotten around restrictions on social gathers by installing slot machines. Throw open the doors! “Plus, it’s making up for all the lost tithing over the last few months,” said Pastor Chuck Carver, quoth the Bee (the conservative version of The Onion).

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