Rejoice, all! President Trump has arrived to save the day!
Washington (AP/UPI): President Trump has just announced, via Twitter, that he will use $4.7 billion allocated by Congress to fight the coronavirus epidemic to build the "Trump Coronavirus Resort," where wealthy Republican donors who contract the disease "will receive state-of-the-art medical care." Those who have not contributed substantially to the Republican Party can still achieve "Platinum status" via a $50,000 "donation" paid directly to Trump and "will be admitted to the Resort as conditions allow."
Responding to potential criticism, Trump said, "It's my money. I can do anything I want with it."
In related news, Trump also announced plans to build an addition to Mt. Rushmore, adding the face of Rush Limbaugh to join the other four past Presidents depicted there. Trump also opined that the monument should be renamed "Mount Rushbaugh," as Mr. Limbaugh is "a much more important American than those other four losers up there." He stated that the National Park Service might object, but "so what, they can't sue me, I took away all their funding and they can't afford lawyers." When asked how the project would be paid for, Trump said, "No problem, we'll just cut food stamps again."
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