Last year, I was driving east from El Paso on my way to New Orleans. I had been driving for about two hours, when I saw the red lights come on in my rear-view mirror and I thought, "Uh-oh, I was going too fast and didn't realize it." But a quick downward glance at my speedometer showed that I had been going 70 MPH, and the posted speed limit on this wide-open rural stretch of interstate was 75. Nonetheless, I immediately pulled over.
The Texas Ranger approached my car. I rolled down my window:
Me: Hello, officer, was I speeding?
TR: Naw, but ah saw yore license plate, ah have to check yew out, you from one of them FURRIN countries?
Me: I'm from Oregon.
TR: Where the heck is that? Asia?
Me: No, it's a U.S. state.
TR: Hmm. Well, less see yore drivin' license.
Me: (Handing it over)
TR: HOLLLLLD IT! "Lewis"? You one of them IMMERGENTS?
Me: Uh, no, if I was, my name would probably be spelled L-U-I-S.
TR: Oh, yeah, I guess so, unless yer one o' them tricky immergents that tries to fool us by spellin' funny.
Me: Not me, sir.
TR: OK. You got any beer in here?
Me: No, of course not, sir.
TR: Well, I gotta write you up for that.
Me: What?
TR: It's 'gainst the law to drive without beer in Tay-Ucks-Ass.
Me: Oh.
TR: What 'bout guns? Yew got any in here?
Me: No, I don't own a gun.
TR: That's two offenses now. You Ory-gun folks must be pretty dumb.
Me: I'm sorry. I didn't know.
TR: Wahl, seein' as how as it's yer first time, ah'm gonna let you off with only two tickets.
Me: Really?
TR: (scribbling) Here's the tickets, yew need to pay $500 for each one, yew got seven days to pay the courthouse in Big Buffalo.
Me: OK, I guess...
TR: Oh, and $200. To me. Raht now. In cash.
Me: What?
TR: Or ah have to take you in raht now.
I fortunately had the money and gave it to him. He smiled and tore off copies of the tickets and gave them to me. He went back to his car, slammed the door, and peeled off in a cloud of dust. I made a U-turn at the next exit and headed back west to get out of the state.
Don't visit Texas.