Moderator: Hello, I'm Tucker Carlson, genius commentator from Fox News, the only truthful news source on planet Earth. President Donald Trump is here in Florida for tonight's debate, but as we know, Sleepy Joe Biden has refused to attend and is hiding in his basement, because he's afraid of getting his butt kicked again by our beloved Pres--
Trump: Thanks, Tucker. Now shut the fuck up and let me talk. I've done marvelous things in the last four years, bigly things, things none of the previous seventy-three Presidents have ever done--
Carlson: Actually, Mister President, there have only been forty-five--
Trump: I told you to keep your mouth shut. Don't be a tool of the deep state. MAGAMAGAMAGA. Crooked Hillary sent emails. It is what it is. Very fine people. I don't take responsibility at all. You can talk now.
Carlson: Mister President, how are you feeling?
Trump: Never better, Tucker. I received the best treatment in the galaxy. I'm now immune to the coronavirus. In fact, I'm immune to all kinds of physical harm, including bullets.
Carlson: Really?
Trump: I just said so, Tucker. I never lie, you stupid nasty loser.
Carlson: OK, then. (takes a gun from under his desk and fires it at Trump. Nothing happens)
Trump: What the fuck did you just do???
Carlson: This is the starter's pistol I was going to use to signal the start of the debate. Don't worry, I was just funning--it's loaded with blanks. See? (puts pistol to his head, pulls the trigger; Carlson's head explodes in a cloud of blood)
Trump: What a sucker.
Offscreen commentator: It appears that Mr. Carlson loaded a live round in his pistol by mistake.
Trump: Well, let's get on with it, we didn't need him anyway. Crazy Nancy and Shifty Schiff are--
buzz buzz buzz
Trump: --conspiring to destroy America--
BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ
Trump: PENCE!!! There's a fly in here! DO SOMETHING!
Offscreen commentator: Mister President, the Vice President is in Indiana, giving a speech.
Trump: Goddammit! (Waves futilely at the fly)
splortch! (Fly lands on Trump's head and leaves a souvenir)
Trump: AAAAAGH! SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING! GODDAMN LIBERAL FLY! (Waving both hands as the fly circles)
(Trump staggers from the podium, still trying without success to swat the fly. He stumbles from the stage and falls headfirst onto a member of the audience, a woman wearing a MAGA hat, crushing her.)
Offscreen commentator: Well, that's it for tonight's debate. I think we can all agree that Trump absolutely won this one, just like he won the first time. We don't need to bother holding the election, 'cause it'll be crooked anyway. Thanks for watching and remember, President Trump still needs your campaign donations! Thank you and good night!
