WASHINGTON, 12/24, 3:00 AM EDT: President Trump just issued an order for NORAD to watch for and track Santa Claus and scramble fighters to shoot him down once he enters US airspace.
"I've figured it all out," Trump tweeted. "He's working for Kim Jong-Un and this is his 'Christmas surprise.' Well, when Santa tries to launch his missiles, I'll be ready."
Trump also said that Santa "should have been shot down long ago" because "he gives away all that free shit." He thanked a Las Vegas Advisor forum poster for this idea.
Those who fear for jolly St. Nick's safety may have little to worry about, though. In a bout of confusion possibly caused by middle-of-the-night brain fog, Trump ordered the alert to go into effect at "1600 hours DEC 27." Santa will be safely back at the North Pole by then.
