Our prayers have been answered!

Vegas has all sorts of themed casinos--the Eiffel Tower, a Roman emperor's palace, the Great Pyramid, a medieval castle, and so forth. But it's never had a God-themed casino. At least, not until now! A casino that has been sitting idle during the pandemic will be remodeled and re-themed, and the best part is that only a slight modification will have to be made to its name! Take the Palms, move one letter, and you have...THE PSALM!

Press Release

The all-new Psalm will have a host of faith-friendly features. Holy water dispensers will be strategically located throughout the casino. Rather than golden oldies and rap music over the P.A. system, hymns will be broadcast 24/7. Dealers will wear white, not black and white.

There will be blackjack tables where the player may kneel rather than sit. All slot and video poker machines will offer the "moment of prayer" feature, where for one additional credit, the player can pause the machine before the spin/draw. The Psalm's crap tables will feature a "dice blesser" (gratuities will be most welcome).

We are excited to announce that the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Sister Soul's Gospel Singers, and the Reverend "Bless Your Checkbook" Praywell have all announced plans for extended residencies. And as you might expect, the Psalm will feature Vegas's largest and grandest wedding chapel. Weddings can be paid for with players' club points!

Speaking of players' clubs, the Psalm will offer the most rewarding club in town: The Gathering of the Faithful! There will be four tier levels, offering increasingly lavish rewards as you move heavenward: Humble, Believer, Blessed, and Exalted. $1 played in any machine will earn you one Holy Point, which can be used for rewards such as:

1000 points: Your name will be mentioned in the computer-generated daily prayer broadcast at noon

10,000 points: A votive candle at the Faithful club booth will be lit in your honor

100,000 points: The Slot Deacon of your choice will record and deliver a personal prayer of good luck for you

1,000,000 points: The heretic of your choice will be burned at the stake (Exalted players only)

(Comps and free play are abominations and the spawn of the devil, so let us speak no more of those things.)

Casino hospitality manager Hosannah Hendricks says, "The Psalm is a concept that has long been overdue. Vegas is a faith-based town; as everyone knows, more prayer is uttered in a casino than in any church, and more fervently and sincerely, at that!" Hendricks extends his blessings to everyone and looks forward to greeting the first pilgrims to the Psalm, "Where everyone has a prayer!"

Someone has yanked Kevin's leg.

Kevin,

This is one the funniest, on target, pieces of satire I have seen in a long time.  TRULY EXCELLENT!

All good satire is built on a kernel of truth.  In this case, it is is more than a "kernel" of truth.  It  When I read this, I kept thinking that, left to their own devices, casino management will try/do about anything they can to rip off patrons. It points out how dismal Las Vegas has become for those of us who don't want to, and refuse to be ripped off.

Back in the 70's Don Imus, out of New York, had an AM radio show where he did some hilarious skits, including one that featured a man named Billy Sol Hargess. He was the minister of "The First Chuch of the Gooey Death, and Discount House of Worship", located in Del Rio, Tx,  the "Gold Buckle of the Bible belt".  Billy always had some ridiculous money-making scam going.  He was counting on the ignorance of the publc, just like casino management. 

Very creative and a nice job! 

Thanks, TT, and may the Force be with you! Oh, wait...