Old Places with new Faces(TR)

Hey, Whadda-ya know? I made it to another December without getting a DUI, STD or heart attack. Thats cause for celebraion. ANd what better way
to celebrate than a trip to Vegas! I'm going with a new theme this year: I'm calling it "Old Places with New Faces". In this trip I made a point to
visit several casinos, bars, and restaurants that recently received a makeover. You may have seen some of these joints on the TV shows "Bar Rescue" or "Diners, Drive-In's and Dives"

Bar 702
Lets start off with Bar 702. This establishment was featured on Bar Rescue where Anthony CUrtis was brought in to make some recommendations. Its the episode where the
bar owner made a crude comment about the show hosts wife. Its a classic. You'll find it over China Town just on the other side of I-15. I kid you not when I say I arrived a
few minutes after an altercation inside between a beligerant customer and the bartender. The cops were still in the parking lot recounting the incident to each other.
I liked this place immediately. Inside I met up with one of our communities's esteemed posters and had a drink. They serve premium drafts on tap and comp them to the
VP Players. Schedules are better than most bars...and with those free premium drafts? Hell what more can you ask? I could live happily ever after in one of those
flea-bag efficiency apartments upstairs!

I was adamant to win the legendary Lions Share slot machine at the MGM Grand. Instead all I hit were these three little bar symbols. I believe that is called
the gnat's share. You can just suck it, MGM Grand!


Thanks to a nice lady on our board I recieved a bounty of matchplays for the Riviera and Hard Rock Hotel. I kid you not when I say I went 0-6 at the Riviera...my luck was only
slightly better at Hard Rock where I went 1-5. You can just suck it, Hard Rock/Riviera!



No trip is complete without taking a shot at the Wheel Of Despair. The Progressive was up to $490,000k Plus. And I contributed another $40 to the eventual winner.
Guess what you can do, Pat Sajak? Thats right. Suck it.



I had much better luck on the hilarious new Ferris Bueller slot machine at the Tuscany. Look at this little hit for a quick $200. You dont have to suck it, Matthew Broderick....unless you want to.

The End
Another Bar Rescue Target was the joint formerly known as "the Underworld". Its a goth hangout that used to have lots of horror movie memorabelia. John Taffers team gutted the place
and replaced it with a "Zombie Apocolypse" theme. And let me tell ya I fit right in with those goth people. They were a little apprehsive at first but as soon as I
showed them my chained, pierced nipples everything was ok.


Overall the ambiance was fun..but there's no beer on tap. Bottles only. WTF? I might need a few minutes to choose between
life without draft beer or being eaten by a zombie.

4-Kegs
Lets take a peak at the 4-Kegs Bar and Grill. You may have seen it on "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives". Can you guess which one of these words applies?



Just how popular is this palce with the locals? Lets see - this is the bar at 3pm on a weekday.


And how cool is this? Check out the vintage glassware they serve their brews in. Common folk refer to these as a "schooner"...
but if you want to impress your server or lady friend you can call it by its proper name: THe Big Ass Wine Glass. Allow me to demonstrate.
"Waiter, I would like a big-ass-wine-glass of Schlitz, please."



And finally the big draw. Stromboli ! Several recipes are available. I just went for a simple Turkey Strom. Later I'll run it up against the one I had at Pizza Rock
in my Great Stromboli challenge! Stay tuned.

I've always wanted to go into The Worlds Largest Gift Shop but it just never worked out unitl this trip. And boy am I glad it did !




They cater to a higher tier of tchotchke consumer here as you can clearly see by this premium display of key chains.




I decided to upgrade my formal dinnerware to this lovely set accented with marijuana leaves. THe clerk tried to tell me those plates were actually ash trays.
It must have been her first day or something. I didn't want to embarass here so I muffled my laugh. At $3.99 each they were a little pricey...but I see it
as investment more than anything else. I figure they can only go up in value.

Pin Up
On my last night out I saw the exciting new show at Stratosphere, "Pin-Up". The star is a lady by the name of Claire Sinclair. Suppossedly she was the Playboy Playmate
of the year in 2011. A man with my pristine Christian values wouldn't know about such things. I only subscribe to "Jugs".

The show is packed with professional dancers, singers, and band musicians. Claire is actually none of those things. Her contribution to the show is simply to walk accross
stage in a skimpy outfit in between numbers. OK then. No complaints here. When the show ended some members of the ensemble got bigger applause than the star.
That was kinda funny/sad depending how you look at it. It should be noted that nobody clapped for me when I jumped on stage and took my pants off.

The Bacon Bar

The Bacon Bar is another old place with a new face. The Bar Rescue crowd turned a lame neighborhood dive into a biker-sports-Hee-Haw Bar with - you guessed it - alot of
bacon on the menu.


The Bacon Bar's featured drinks are a series of $10 Bloody Marys that have a slab of bacon jerky in them. Oh boy! Thats really .... whatever. Lame.



This was totally not lame. This place features a self service bar tap. Not only do they have over ten beers available....but you can play Dr Jekyll and create your own
concoctions by mixing them all together. Weird things happened after I mixed Guiness with Pabst Blue Ribbon. I blacked out. Later on security told me I threw a chair into
the mirror behind the bar.

Noteworthy drinkies



Here's an Rajun Cajun Oyster Shooter from Big (Gay) Al's Oyster Bar at the Orleans. I learned something interesting about raw oysters this trip. They have exactly the same shape and texture
when you barf them up from one the thrill rides atop the Stratosphere Tower.


Its the infamous house egg nog from Ellis Island. I dont know what the secret ingredient is. I do know after three of these your public drunkeness will be pronounced
enough to make the mayor of Toronto blush.


The Verbena at the Cosmopolitan Chandelier bar.. I shared this drink with an esteemed LVA member and his lovely wife. The little flower floating on top is called a Szechuan Button.
Look it up on Wiki. You eat that first. Its like getting a shot of novacaine. Your whole mouth goes slightly numb ...and then this tingly sensation explodes - like you just ate
a mouthfull of alka seltzer tablets...and then with all that going on you drink the drink which is similar to a hard lemonade. You totally need to try it.


Afterwards we visited the pool at the Cosmo which was turned into an Ice Rink. Check out the cute little walkers the kids get to use so they dont fall down. They dont make those
for 6'4" men. Fortunately there was an elderly lady available to break my fall.

I know its tabboo to say anything nice about Circus Circus but after that Summer I spent with Aunt COnnie tabboo isn't a line I'm worried about crossing.
I spent almost 3 hours playing Craps at CC this trip and had an absolute blast. They've refreshed alot of the creepy carnival interior with less creepy Carnival Interior.
The rooms have been freshened up in the tower. So in a minor kind of way there is a new face at the Circus Circus. I'm seriously considering spending a couple days there next year.


And if you need to blow off some steem after a tough night at the tables you can go beat on some punk-ass-whipper-snappers playing the Midway Games upstairs. I just throw out the
stuffed animals I win. Just seeing the tears in little Stewart's eyes is all the enjoyment I need. Hey, dont get mad at me. If dipshits want to bring their kids to Vegas then
I'm going to beat on their asses at Midway games. And I'll blow through $50 doing that shit too.


And of course next door is this fun establi... wait a minute. God Dammit! I could have swore the visitors guide said this place was called SLUTS-A-Fun.

Finally I ended up at the ultimate old place with a new face. The old Lady Luck has been transformed into the New Downtown Grand. You can see my comprehensive review ofthe Downtown Grand
here


I booked a premuim room on line. I attempted to
upgrade to a suite but the front desk clerk wasn't as impressed with my chained, pierced nipples as the crowd at the Goth Bar. After a little chat with security I went into my room.
At first I didn't know if the room was really that red or if that was just the pepper spray. But, yeah, its really that red. And people with epilepsy might want to avoid looking at the carpet.


I really dig the IKEA closet with the room safe sitting on top. I'm pretty sure the housekeeper can just toss that in her purse on the way out.



I heard horror stories about the tight Video Poker at the Downtown Grand. And I experienced it first hand. I sat at a machine for over an hour without winning anything. Ridiculous.
I finally got frustrated and complained to a manager who infomed me the machine I was sitting at was actually the hotel check-out terminal. Ah-Ha! Now I was on the right track. Once I got everything
straightened out I managed to do this on the Family Guy slot machine.


Accross the street from the Grand is the Pizza Rock restaurant. I heard they made a mean Calzone so I decided to put them to the test...and try a stromboli.
Earlier I reported on my stromboli from the 4-Kegs. I decided to put it up against the one I ordered from Pizza Rock.

Pizza Rock does not serve beer in the Big-Ass-Wine-Glass. Thats one strike already. However, they do offer a fine selection of imported beers on tap. I tried a Morretti...
which is like Italy's version of Coors. But since its imported people might be inclined to believe you dont live in a trailer park. Pizza Rock uses several wood fired grills
with different temperatures so they can make different kinds of pies. Fancy Schmancy. THe end result was a beautiful, traditional Stromboli.



So who was the big winner between 4-Kegs and Pizza Rock? Damned if I know. Everything tastes the same when you're wasted. I want to say they were both delicous. But in my state
its likely I'd have said the same of a gym shoe dipped in marinara sauce.