Joke of the Day Thread

It's been a while since I have seen a joke thread but I thought I would start one if anyone is interested.

With some of the recent events taking place in the world I think we could all use some laughter.

Here my joke of the day:

A man is at a cocktail party talking with a group of friends about his fishing trip the past weekend.


"Me and Joe, we caught ourselves ten fish," he tells them. "Then me an Joe did this...." "Then me and Joe did that....."


A young woman was eavesdropping on the conversation and cringed at the constant grammatical error spoken by the man. Finally, she couldn't take it any longer and politely confronted him. "Excuse me, sir, I believe you mean 'Joe and I' - not 'me and Joe'. "

The man looked at her hostily for a moment obviously insulted by her correction. Before he could say anything the woman said defensively, "Please dont be insulted. I am a reading and writing teacher at the Elementary School - this is simply what I do for a living."


The man looked at her for a moment longer and then relaxed. He then grabbed the woman, turned her around, pulled down her underware beneath her skirt and shoved his finger up her butt. "Please, madam," he said "dont be insulted. You see, I am a proctologist and this is simply what I do for a living."

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.


His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'



BOB's funeral will be on Saturday.

A T shirt I saw recently:

PADDLE FASTER!
I hear banjo music.

"Hello, is this the front desk ???" ....... "I got a leak in the tub" ...................................................... "Go right ahead sir, you payed for the room"



Rick

The maid approaches the woman of the house and demands a pay raise.

The woman asks "What makes you think you deserve a pay raise?"

The maid replies "Because I am a better cook than you."

Woman: "Who told you that?"

Maid: "Your husband told me."

Woman: "Any other reason why you deserve a raise?"

Maid: "Yes. I am a better house keeper than you."

Woman: "Who told you that?"

Maid: "Your husband told me that"

Woman: " Anything else you are better at than me?'

Maid: "Yes, sex. I am much better in bed than you"

Woman, obviously very upset: "Really, and did my husband tell you that too?"

Maid: "No, the pool boy."

Woman: "Your raise started last week."

NEW MEXICO CHILI COOK-OFF



If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is supposedly an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico ..



If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.


For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .




Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.”




Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick..
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank)-- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.




CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally , the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ..... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?




CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shreddedbeef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.




CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally . Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.




CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.




CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.

Joke #1: Guy pulls his boat up to the dock, full of fish. Another guy standing on the dock sees the fish and asks boat guy "Did you catch all those fish?" Boat guy replies "No, I talked them into giving up."

Joke #2: Guy pulls his boat up to the dock, full of fish. A game warden standing on the dock sees the fish and asks boat guy "How did you catch all those fish?" Boat guy tells the warden "Hop in the boat and I'll show you." They motor the boat for a while until boat guy stops the boat, takes a stick of dynamite, lights it, throws it in the water. Boom! A whole mess of fish come floating to the surface. Warden shouts "Hey, you can't do that! That's against the law!" Boat guy hands the warden another stick of dynamite and says "Are you going to talk or fish?"

Blonde joke:


1) What do you call those big hoop earrings blondes wear? Answer: Ankle rests

A friend of mine lives in a small town and when I spoke to him he told me that last week they had a black out and everyone was really scared...then the sheriff showed up and told the guy to get back into his car and leave.

One final thought: At what point does CPR become necrophillia?