My disgusting, vile and depraved trip to Las Vegas. (TR)

Its a city of lights! A city of entertainment! A city of....scum. Las Vegas is a morally corrupt town which makes it the ideal vacation destination for morally corrupt dirt bags like me.
This week I spent some time in some of the city's seedier hangouts. I have to tell you it was disgusting. It was vile. It was depraved.

...And I wanna do it all over again. You might need to wash up after reading this.

* * * * * The Riviera * * * *

I checked into the classic Riviera for a couple days up on the North End of the strip. People say its past its prime but thats all just a matter of perspective. I think of
it as a visit to grandma's house. Attributes include:
dated wallpaper, bland food, and the disitnct smell of Ben-Gay mixed with prescription pills. The only thing missing is an old lady screaming at me to rub her toes.
Ah - but those table game matchplays are irresistable...$35 worth for hotel guests.




Sure I could've spent several hundred dollars for a suite in one of those newer-resort-type-places but where's the adventure in that? Besides the Riviera offers plenty of bang for the buck!
Their one-bedroom suite offers more space and fewer roaches than regular rooms...and that just spells value.





Alas, no Keurig coffee maker in the room. Instead its one of those old "Mr Coffee" brewers that ....well.... suck. But did I mention it was cheaper here?


Its the Rivieria's classic "Crazy Girls" bronze sculpture outside the main entrance. I need to be honest with you - they taste more like Aluminum to me.

* * * Mermaids * * * *

One of my favorite cesspools in town is Mermaids where you can still play slot machines with real coins...and they've been recirculating the same unwashed nickels through
the machines since the place was built back in the 50's.


Contrary to popular belief Liberace was not inflicted with HIV from gay sex - he just stuck his hand into one of the grimey coin buckets at Mermaids.
Its true. I read an article about it in Juggs.



And those buckets serve a dual purpose - In addtion to holding your winnings they make a great resepitcle to hold your barf after you yack up one of their deep fried Oreos.
Its true they make you sick but at 99 cents its just too good of a bargain to pass up.

* * * * Red Label Bar * * *

The Red Label Bar can be found on Sahara Blvd immediately west of the Strip. Its in the same plaza as the Golden Steer Streakhouse (which is a must for any Vegas veteran).
Patrons at the Red Label Bar all share one common attribute: membership in the local sex offender registry. Flashers, pedophiles, peepers and off-duty hookers round out the list of Red Label's regulars and
every Monday Night they come together and sing karaoke with porn stars. They even advertise it that way...."Porn Star Karaoke".



Your hostess is a synthetically enhanced lady by the name of Rebecca Love. She stars in those late night movies on Cinemax like the "The Hills Have Thighs"...and "The Witches of BreastwicK"...or wait...
maybe it was the "Witches of Breastwick, part 2". Hmmm.. I'll have to check my archives. I have the box set on DVD. Here she is interviewing some guy that looks like grandpa from the Munsters.


Here's Grandpa singing "New York, New York". His stage name is "Grandpa Vampire" and I guess he drives a cab/hearse in Vegas. Nice guy. Just dont let him near your 12 yr old.


This is a surprisingly fun time. They have state of the art equipment that makes you sound like a decent singer even if you totally suck. I still managed to murder "The Bitch is Back" by Elton John. The karaoke lounge is filled with sofa-type seating, disco lights, and drunk perverts. Yea!

* * * * Zombie Burlesque * * * *


What's raunchier than a burlesque show? How about a burlesque show that's centered around corpses and necrophiles? Oh boy! Where do I sign up? For $35 I wasn't expecting much but this show actually delivered.
Plenty of dancing, singing, and - of course - boobs. They even had a contortionist and one of those chicks that gets all tied up in the stage drapes way up in the air (thats the actual job title, I think).


(stock photo)

* * * SLS Resort * * * *

I decided to take a stroll down to the brand new SLS Resort thats replaced the old Sahara.
There's plenty of great sites to see on the short hike up Las Vegas Blvd. There's the Stratosphere Tower...


... then there's the Stratosphere shopping buggy...




... and then there's the brand new SLS (thats short for "SLutS", I think). Ah, at last, a resort that caters to people with my values.







Wow, this place is really swanky. People who valet park are greeted by a giant statue of the Hamburger Helper dude.





They have a disco dance floor at the front entrance...



They spared no expense at this joint. They even hired Michael J Fox to draw the sign for the food court.



The casino offers a great view of the pool area. Just do yourself a favor and DONT lick the glass. Security doesn't like it. Trust me.

* * * * * Jokers WIld * * * * *

I can only spend so much time on the strip before I get the shakes. I needed to get back to some low-rent dives where I would be more comfortable.
And I found some great ones on Boulder Highway way out in Henderson. The Joker's Wild serves as an intern house for dealers graduating from school. You play
most table games here for under $5. Craps is only a buck. You have to be patient with the dealers as they frequently screw up - but their boss is always hovering around to make sure everyone
gets paid correctly. Seriously, this is a great place to try out new strategies or simply learn how to play most common table games: craps, blackjack, three card poker, and roulette were
all available...and the cocktails come as fast as you can drink them. I had a blast playing craps with several locals for over an hour. I even managed to come out ahead a little bit. And My luck continued as I made it back
to may car without getting shot.

* * * * Skyline Casino * * * *


Just a block away from Joker's WIld is another great dive. THis one is called the Skyline Casino.
Ya see, The thing thats great about Vegas is that all the establishments seem to have their own unique theme: The Luxor is an ancient pyramid, Excalibur is a medieval castle, Treasure Island is a Pirate SHip.
Well, way out in Henderson the Skyline casino has its own theme too... Lung Disease. The clientele at Skyline is a delightful mix of transients, tweakers, and railroad bums....and they all smoke. The most distinguished
patrons at Skyline live in the luxurious housing development adjacent to the parking lot.




The houses are little modest (maybe) but ya know what they say - its all about location. And is there a better location than next to a bar that serves up $1.50 shrimp cocktails?




Mr Hot Dog gives visitors a happy greeting at the front entrance. Just inside is an onsite barber shop...and the barber is even rumored to be sober a solid 3-4 days/week. Hey thats better than me.



I'm talking alot of trash here but this place is simply charming. Its decorated tastefully with antique memorobilia from Vegas' early days and the staff is super friendly.

My eyes got as big as smoke detectors when I saw this quarter VP progressive at the Skyline which hovered over $2K. I've never seen one get that high so I grabbed a bar stool,
sucked down several cheap beers, and devoured several of their shrimp cocktails. I spent over 10 hours spread out over 3 days chasing that stupid progressive before my lungs finally surrendered. I couldn;t tKe another minute. I walked out and headed back to my smoke free retreat on the strip - but not before
putting a massive dent in Mr Hot Dog's balls. Creepy bastard isn't smiling now.

* * * * Burgers * * * **

Not everything can be disgusting on vacation. Even a sleazeball like me needs to enjoy some of the finer things once in a while. I stopped in at Guy FIerri's new restaurant at
the Quad and stuffed my face with his award winning Mac-n-cheese burger. Thats some serious sandwich action, right there. $20 is alot to pay for a burger - but this is probably the first
gourmet burger where I felt the price was justified. It was almost enough to make me forgive Guy Fierri for being such an annoying dipshit. Almost.



Nearby I had a slightly different experience at F@ck-You Burger. I regret to saythe customer service was a little off the mark.




** ** * * * * * * ** * * * ** *
* * ** The High Roller * * **
** ** * * * * * * ** * * * ** *


Vegas's newest attraction is a giant ferris wheel called the High Roller. $35 is the price after dark. Yikes! But whatever.
I figured it would give me a great vantage point looking down everyones' shirt.



Gee whiz! You go up so high you can even see the rooftops of all the neighboring hotels. The ride is 40 minutes so make sure you pee ahead of time lest you make a big
mess on the floor like I did.

Some of the views from the high roller...









** ** * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * ** ** *
* * * * Broken Dagger Tattoo Parlor * * * *
** ** * * * * * * ** * ** * * * * * * * ** *

Finally, I ended my trip where all drunk, depraved people end up in Vegas: A Tattoo Parlor. Sure, I coulda gone to one of those expensive places you see on TV where they wash their hands and use sterlized needles.
But I'm cheap and this place was ...ya know...cheaper. The Broken Dagger tattoo parlor is on Decataur Blvd just south of the Orleans.



A sweet little lady named Kelsey helped me draw my design and inked it up for me. My new dragon strike tattoo will help me rule this city...at least until the Hep C takes over. But did I mention it was cheaper?

Seriously, this place gets rave reviews on yelp the shop is very comfortable and inviting. I would highly reccomend it to anyone looking for some ink.







Well thats it, folks! I'm off to detox and spend a few hours at confession.

Nice report. I recall maybe 10-12 years ago craps at Joker's Wild was $.25 minimum.

And oh...you seem to lick a few too many items. Just sayin