The Twelve Days of Slothmas

Day 5 - Sunday - Epilogue

Short version: worse session ever in my Las Vegas history

Long version:

Tried a new beer before leaving the room - Clown Shoes Hoppy Feet 1.5. It is described as a double black IPA. It was also second best beer of the trip. Big and hoppy like an IPA but rich and roasty like a stout. No wonder Clown Shoes is getting such good press lately. I have more of their beers to look forward to later in the week.

Filled up my flask and headed over to The Cal to the triple-play JoB machines. Got there and they had been downgraded to 8/5. Checked the BP. It was downgraded to 7/5. Crap. This was the only multi-play full-pay JoB downtown. Later back in the room I checked vpfree and sure enough this bank of machines are off the list.

I head to my default BP machine that has been so good to me this week. I play one session, with most of the $20s being swallowed whole, but managed to squeak by with two of them turning into $40 tickets for only a $20 loss. I leave after that session and think about getting something to eat, but I'm not really that hungry after having a couple of IPAs while playing.

After wondering around awhile, I end back at the same machine that was so cold to me earlier while she had been so lovey dovey earlier in the trip. Surely by now she'll be in a better mood. After all, it's a new session, right? First twenty. Zilch. Second twenty. Nadda. Now here I go a little on tilt. My normal daily bankroll consists of five $20s for VP and two $100s for Pai-Gow. Sometimes I'll play one of the $100s in a VP machine at the dollar level as my way of taking a gamble. I consider anything over the minimum as gambling. I'll sweat playing $10 at a $5 table, but can play at a $10 table all night with no problems. Likewise, I can play quarters all night, but moving up to dollars is taking a risk. So I somehow rationalize that putting $100 into this cold bitch of a machine and switching to dollars is somehow a good idea. But she swallows it whole like Shar in a suite at the Silverton. Damn! Back to quarters with a $20. Still nothing! What is wrong with the machine? That's it! It's the machine! It's not me. It's not randomness talking a walk on the downside of the curve. It's the machine! It's cursed! She's evil and hates me! So I move over one seat to her sister. I just know her sister will love me. So I tenderly slip in $100 and select dollars. At least her sister gave me a little pinch and tickle before slapping me across the face, taking my money, and sending me to bed alone at 10:30 on a Sunday night in Vegas.

Tomorrow: I may not get out of bed.

"But she swallows it whole like Shar in a suite at the Silverton"

Day 6 - Monday - much ado about nothing

So I didn't spend all day with my head under the covers as promised. But I did manage to sleep in. One of the reasons I go to Vegas is to take a break from work and catching up on sleep is a lot of that. I do work hard. Really. I do. And one of the things I like about Vegas and VP is that it takes your mind off of work. I'll sit at a machine, with my head phones on, rock and roll cranked up loud, watching the cards, and any thoughts of work are long gone. I had a blast last night even though the cards were not in my favor. I did look it up this morning and last nights session loss was the worse on record and the pai-Gow loss on Thursday tied another pai-Gow loss back in 2002, making this an epically bad trip for loses, but still way under budget.

Once I got up I went over the The Cal to play a little pai-Gow, but my leg started to cramp, so I made dinner reservations at Redwood, did a little shopping at 808, and came back to the room to type up the latest report. I thought about walking out to Fremont Street as they have been doing country bands this week while the rodeo is in town. I saw a good Johnny Cash tribute band there last night. Maybe I'll do that after dinner. Or wait until tomorrow when I plan to go check out the renovated Plazza and hit the Fremont for Tuesday night seafood buffet.

Day 6 - Monday - Epiloge

Short Version: Lapsed into a coma

Long Version: Went to dinner and then to bed

Here it is Tuesday afternoon and as I'm just getting up I'm looking back over the last 40 hours, of those 40 hours:
37 hours in the room
28 hours sleeping
1 hour gambling
1 meal
1 drink with dinner
I have not only achieved slothness, I have overshot into coma. I did realize last night after dinner, as I had a case of the chills and felt warm like a fever, that maybe I've been stressing my system too much. How is that possible when I haven't even been doing anything? It like crossing an elephant with a rhino. Elephino.

I am feeling much better today, loaded up on the herbal remidies, and ready to hit the streets. First stop the Tuesday night Freemont seafood buffet followed by a visit to the renovated Plaza and maybe the happy hour at Swingers.

Day 7 - Tuesday - Back to the basics

Short Version: Ate, drank, gambled, walked around, went to bed

First stop of the night was the seafood buffet at the Fremont. This is much smaller than the one at MSS on Friday nights, but still worthwhile, especially with a 40% discount when paying with points. the have the split crab legs, but I'm starting to prefer the whole ones even if they are more work.

There was supposed to be a lighting of a tree about the time I finished dinner. I walked around and didn't see anything other than a roped off area that looked like a good place to put a tree.

I went and checked out the renovated Plaza. Place looks nice and clean. The sports book is nice. They have about a dozen oversized stuffed leather chairs in front of several big screens. Looks comfortable and it was good to see some downtown regulars have a place to come in out of the cold. I stopped and played pai-Gow for a while. This place was dead at 6pm on Monday night. I had my own private cocktail waitress. I bought in for $20 and played a good half hour or more on a $10 table before cashing out at $7. I kept a dollar chip for myself as a souvenir and gave the dealer the other $6, which really astonished him. I guess while the plaza is accustomed to people buying in as low as $20, they are not used to those same people leaving $6 tips. Or maybe just not used to pai-Gow players tipping at all. Or maybe the place was so dead that the guy was just happy he gets to eat tonight.

I walked by Swingers, which opens at 6pm with a happy hour from 6-9. The happy hour features fiddy-cent PBR and $2 Arnold Palmers. I have no interest in PBR, and I have no idea what is in an Arnold Palmer. There was to be a Beatles tribute band playing happy hour. The place was so dead that I figured I'd be the only one in there, so I kept walking. I may come back later in the week.

Walked back out to Fremont Street and wondered around. Saw the second show of the day on the canopy. This is more shows in a day than I normally see in a year. it looked like a band was getting ready to start on one of the stages. In front of the stage were some street performers doing an acrobat routine. The band looked ready, and flashed the stage lights a couple of times, but the tumblers just kept tumbling. A pretty good sized crowd gradually disbursed, myself among them. I never did hear music start as I walked away.

At the end of Fremont Street is a stage with a DJ. The DJ tonight was a Michael Jackson impersonator who was doing a strip tease to the tune of Billy Jean. I knew then that Fremont Street just can't get any better than this, so it was time for me to go.

Back to the room for my own happy hour and band. I brought along some pretty good portable speakers along with my iPad that has about 8,000 songs. I queued up some Cassandra Wilson sultry blues and pulled a new beer out of the fridge. Tonight's choice was Anchorage Bitter Monk, a double IPA brewed with Belgain yeast, then conditioned in a French oak chardonnay barrel with some added brettanomyces. I liked it. Next was a Scotch style ale from the Moab brewery. I drank half in the room and took the other half in a pint glass down to the casino.

Played pai-Gow for several hours. I have this system (there's that word again) where I'll buy in for $200 and receive half red and half green chips. I'll play the four green first, one at a time, until I lose them, but squirreling any winning chips. Usually I'll break even as is the nature of the game, and I did, but the initial green action looks good to the computer and causes them to invite me back again, which they do. After the green ran out, I switched to red with the minimum $10 bets. Sue took all of the red back in short order. Given the option I like winning when playing green and losing when playing red.

Stopped by my now not-so-favorite VP machine. She started sucking in $20s and giving me nothing in return. I have had not so much as a quad in days. I did not even make it through a normal session before I quit and left with nothing but a salty kiss as a faint hint of the bonus that the last player must have received.

Stopped by the brewpub for an after midnight happy hour $2 dunkel. Good. Lot like an Oktoberfest. Up to the room for more blues, reading my book, and catching up on one more new beer from the fridge. It was a spiced winter warmer, Diamond Knot Ho Ho Ho. It was so so so.

Tomorrow: Pete and Repete were walking down the street. Pete went away. Who was left?

Day 8 - Wednesday - Same as it ever was

Short Version: Ate, drank, gambled, walked around, went to bed

Another day come in gone under the neon lights of downtown Las Vegas. Finally hit the happy hour at The brewpub at MSS for the first time ever. it runs Monday to Friday from 3pm to 6pm. It features $2 beers and $5 appetizers that includes items like wings that can be a meal in itself. I had the Thai chili wings. Good. And three $2 IPAs. Better.

Stayed at happy hour long enough to get back down to the Plaza to the Swingers Club happy hour (6-9). They have a great band that does a Beetles and British invasion from 7-8 and then a 60s set from 8:30-9:30. I found out that the Arnold Palmer is iced tea and lemon aid with a shot of vodka. Not bad for $2. Unfortunately they do the same sets every night or otherwise I'd catch them again.

Out to Fremont Street for music under the LED stars of the Fremont Experience canopy. Caught more of the Johnny Cash tribute band. During a rendition of Blue Suede Shoes, they spotted an Elvis impersonator they knew and brought him up on the stage for the song. Good times.

I've been promising my wife all week that I'd eat more than one meal a day, so finally on day eight I keep my word and stop by the Golden Gate for a pair of shrimp cocktails. Well, maybe not a meal, but better than living off beer.

Speaking of beer, back to the room for my beer of the day. Tonight it was Clown Shoes Muffin Top, a Belgian triple IPA. Another winner from Clown Shoes with all of the hops you'd expect from an IPA combined with the yeasty character of a Belgian ale.

Down to the casino to see my girlfriend. I play two and a half sessions. She likes me again and gives up a quad in each of the two sessions, but is not as lovey dovey as she was earlier in the week, so out the door I went, after recording -8, -18, and -20. Seeing a pattern in the randomness I decide it's time for bed. Or maybe it was seeing that it was after 4am and my flask was empty. Or maybe it was just trouble seeing.

Tomorrow: Another day in sin city

Day 9 - Thursday - Same as it ever was

Short Version: Ate, drank, gambled, went to bed

As we round the bend and head into the home stretch things are getting repetitive and settling into a groove. Tried to his the MSS buffet, but the line was out the door, so went back to the brewpub for happy hour. Got an order of the quesadilla which was very good. I don't eat at the brewpub too often, but I always enjoy what I get.

Up to the room for my post-dinner pre-casino new beer of the day. Today was another Clown Shoes, this time the Blaecorn Unidragon, an imperial stout. Another winner from Clown Shoes. Rich and roasty with a touch of dark fruity sweetness just as an imperial stout should be.

She loves me. She hates me. She loves me. We just can't decide as we pluck twenties off the bankroll daisy. Tonight she did not love me.

Pai-Gow table at MSS was full, but there was room at The Cal. Played for a couple of hours and ended up with a pocket full of green chips as the pendulum swings back in my favor. Boyd is running a promotion this month where you get a free stuffed animal for enough time at the machines or tables. But you have to claim the prize the same day you earn it. This means you have to close out your table/machine sessions before midnight, queue up for the midnight safari rush, then return and wait until after midnight to start the next session, so it counts for tomorrow. I guess it is just one more game to play, but it seems like a pain in the arse to me.

Ended up down a net -$3 for the day. Up to the room for reading and resting. Got to get up early tomorrow to check out and check back in again for the final reservation.

Tomorrow: We head into the final weekend.

Day 10 - Friday - Weekend in Vegas

Short Version: Deja vu

Another sunny day with a pair of dice. Got up early to check out and then check back into the same room on a comped reservation. Also picked up some free meal vouchers. Traded out some towels with the maid. I tend to put the "do not disturb" sign on the door when I first arrive and leave it there the entire time. Nobody makes my bed everyday at home! So no need for it here either. I prefer the privacy, plus I usually like to sleep late and take my time to get moving.

After getting the day squared away I head over to the casino bar for some VP. I'm to meet Frank Kneeland here to talk about gambling, psychology, wonder hussies, and the difficulties of being a super genious. Frank shows up, proceeds to put a $20 into the VP machine, get a beer, and we talk. As we're talking, and playing a few intermittent hands to keep the free beer coming, Frank looks down and notices his credit balance is much higher than expected. "How did I get so many credits? Did I hit something?". I reply "Yes, you hit a straight flush a few hands back". Now this guy is fast. We're just talking and playing casually, yet he is ripping through hands, using multiple fingers on both hands at once, like a concert pianist playing a frantic tune. We talk some more, the Frank cashes out with a tidy profit, leaves a signed copy of his book, and we each go our separate ways. What would appear to be a free book was really paid for by the money I lost, and Frank won, in a sense of cosmic balance.

Next up for me is to get something to eat. It's Friday night which means seafood night at MSS. I fill up on crab legs as begin to wonder if maybe I'm overdoing the shellfish as my body objects to the lack of green food. I grab my new beer of the day from the fridge. The last of the Clown Shoes, Hoppy Feet. This is another black IPA, but not as big and robust as the first one.

Down to the casino for some action. First stop is my love/hate relationship with the BP machine. It looks like she is going to suck me dry again before she deals me four sixes one of my last hands. Now here the old urban legend comes to mind. Do I hold the fifth card, or draw and risk getting a fifth six and invalidate the hand? I hold the fifth card. I not the type to chant "Candy Man" in the mirror for no good reason. Winning back half my session, and noticing I have enough points to claim a prize from the county fair before midnight, I take a break, finish my beer, take a leak, get a bear, and take the bear to the room. No bears are allowed to sit at the tables.

I come back after break and head back to my mistress. As I approach I see someone else has taken my machine. I further notice the service light is on indicating a quad has been hit and the person wants a scratch card. As I get closer I see it is aces! Four aces! Four hundred credits! One hundred dollars! On my machine! That skanky little ho. Giving it out while I'm away. Well, we can cross envy off the seven sins list. Not wanting any salty kisses, I head to the back side of the bank of machines to flirt with her sister. Apparently her chaste sister. I head to Pai-Gow. I do get in a long session, squirreling away quarters for what looks to be a loss but is really a push, and a free breakfast. Back to the sister to play out a final ticket. A taken win. Bedtime.

Tomorrow: CDB, no Barefoot Jerry

Day 11 - Saturday - Rocking out at The Orleans

Short Version: Today's country is really old rock and roll

Grabbed a free brunch gratis from last nights break even pai-Gow play. Today's main event is heading to The Orleans to see the Charlie Daniels Band. I looked at taking the bus down to the strip and the the shuttle from Bill's to The Orleans, or maybe the strip bus down to Tropicana and the cross town bus to The Orleans. But neither option fit in the slothy theme of the week, so I took a cab. You can never get a cab at MSS (or The Cal) so you have to walk down to the Plaza. I guess that's because we're more of a bus and shuttle crowd.

I got to The Orleans a couple hours early so I could play a few hands at the micro bar. This is the bar in front of the lounge where they have several micro beers on tap. When I get to the bar most of the seats are full. I find an empty seat and settle in. As I'm getting settled in I notice there is a players card in the machine. I remove it and set it on the bar so I can insert my card. As I'm getting ready to put in some money, I notice there is over $100 credit on the machine. I ask the bartender if anyone is playing (by this time I already have a beer). He say no. I ask the guy next to me and he says no. I then point out to the bartender the credits and he asks if I put any money in yet. I say no and mention that there was a card in the machine, too. He has me cash it out and he takes the card and ticket and put them aside behind the bar. I play a while and watch a country band playing in the lounge. My karma appears to be good and I get a lot of play. I do get dealt a quad. Once again I'm faced with the choice of holding the fifth card or discarding it and drawing. This time I look in the mirror and chant "Candy Man" three times, hold the quad and discard a queen. I press draw. I get a queen. I think it was a different suit. I'm telling myself that it was. Of course it had to be. Right?

Charlie Daniels was a great show. I set an alarm and bought tickets online the first minute they went on sale. Front row center. They started with the fiddle, had chestnuts roasting on an open fire in the middle, and finished up with The Devil Goes Down to Georgia. Vegas shows are too short, though, as they want you back in the casino.

After the show I grabbed dinner at Big Al's. I look forward to one meal at this place every trip. I highly recommend it if you like the Cajun or Creole cooking.

Before I could leave The Orleans I had to hang out and watch the scenery. All of the cocktail waitresses had on these short skimpy Santa custumes. The Orleans always has great outfits for their waitresses and these were no exception. I had to just stop and watch awhile. I can now officially cross lust off of my list of the seven sins.

Cabbed it back to MSS. I discovered I was one behind in my beer of the day so I did a double header of imperial stouts, a new one by Brewdog out of Scotland and an anniversary beer from Alaskan Brewing. Both were great and I talk the last of the Alaskan down to the casino for a short and forgettable VP session.

Tomorrow: Beer hunter

Day 12 - Sunday - Last day

Short version: If you're still reading, it's not for the short version

Last full day in Vegas. Thoughts of home are looming. Time to turn the corner and start preparations for home. First and most important task for today is to check in the very first second I can and get the coveted upgrade. Mission accomplished. Next task is to get a 24 hour car rental for some more excursions into the suburbs and a ride to the airport tomorrow. Mission accomplished. Last task is to hit the brunch to file the day. Mission accomplished. As I look around the buffet I don't see anyone, myself included, taking advantage of the champagne aspect of the champagne brunch. It's odd, when I'm paying, I take full advantage, but when it's a comp I'll just grab some quick eggs and juice and hit the road.

Now that I have a car, and it's my last day, where should I go? Not until I make a couple of calls, do I make the decision. Today is beer hunter day. I thought of going to check out a new brewpub in Laughlin, but seeing it is a two hour drive I decline.

Boulder Dam Brewing Company out in Boulder City has a new beer. It's not the same new beer they has just before I got to town, but it is a new beer. Did they have the other beer a couple of weeks ago? Did I snooze and lose? I'll never know. I'm starting to lose heart on this whole competitive drinking game where you canvas the country looking for new beers. But I digress, and they have a new beer and I'm off to the desert to try it. It's a Maple Brown Ale, a normal brown ale with the addition of maple syrup.

A call to Barley's yields that they have no new beer as the brewery is undergoing some maintenance and upgrades. Next up is Ellis Island. This has to be one of the worst breweries in the country. Early scouting reports showed that they have a new Oktoberfest beer. So far I'm tied for having the most beers from this brewery and this one would put me over the top. I was down on the strip last week and it was not worth walking a block for their beer. But today is beer hunting day, and a call reveals they still have the beer, so I venture that way. I belly up to the bar and order the Oktoberfest. As she is pouring the beer she says "oh, it's no longer the Oktoberfest, it's the IPA, is that OK?". Damn. I say OK. I've had the IPA before, so no extra points for having it again. And it still reeks of artificial butter flavoring. I somehow fining have of the $1 22oz beer and leave feeling just as bad as after a loss at VP.

Now comes the good beer. I almost skipped the beer hunting and just went straight to my favorite haunts. But now I was at Tenaya Creek where the imperial stout is on tap. Not a new beer for me, but a great beer and I enjoy a couple while I write up yesterday's report. Final beer stop is Big Dogs. I had the Wonder Dog double IPA last week and had to come back for more. It is as good as ever. But that is where our story ends for now as I settle into my second pint and the night is still young...