We received such an overwhelming response to the question -- run on 10/2, with QoD reader feedback posted on 10/11 -- from the young man who used a 2-for-1 dining coupon on a first date, only to be rebuffed by his date for being cheap, that we felt compelled to get an expert opinion.
We queried our friend Rob Wiser, former managing editor of Casino Player magazine and co-author of a book on dating called M.A.C.K Tactics: The Science of Seduction Meets the Art of Hostage Negotiation. This book shows men how to approach and communicate with women -- all women, from supermodels to great-grandmothers -- with confidence, decency, and style, and without compromising themselves. Amazingly, M.A.C.K Tactics (with M.A.C.K. standing for Method, Action, Confidence, and Knowledge) borrows its techniques from hostage negotiating, applied by the book's other author, a former hostage negotiator for the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department.
Anyway, you'll see from the following answer that M.A.C.K Tactics takes a unique approach to dating and relating. Unlike most of the responses we received, which pilloried the woman, Rob Wiser sees both sides of the issue and provides a balanced and incisive perspective. (To get a look at the book, go to Amazon.com. You can also get more advice on dating by visiting www.macktactics.com, where you can sign up for the free "Tactical Support" newsletter.)
Take it, Rob:
First dates can be tricky and in our book we cover this topic extensively. But there's a "wack" approach and a "mack" approach to virtually any situation.
Here's our tactical analysis of what happened:
1. By getting irate over the fact that you used a coupon at dinner, this girl showed her true colors. She falls into the category of women we call "Consumers." Her behavior was a major red flag, and if you enter into a relationship with her, you can expect more of the same. She'll only be a drain on you, financially and emotionally. Move on. You've got a million other options.
2. Using a coupon on a first date to cover half the cost of dinner, however, is not a Mack move. It doesn't excuse her rude behavior, but it does make you look cheap, and that defeats the purpose of taking her to a nice restaurant in the first place.
So does this mean you should have paid the full cost for this expensive meal? Absolutely not. The answer is: You shouldn't have brought her to a fancy restaurant in the first place.
Without the coupon, this dinner would have cost you more than $80, so it was not the right choice for a first date. First dates should be kept casual and inexpensive. It's better to meet for drinks or a light meal than to shell out for a big dinner. This first date is your opportunity to get to know her, beyond what she looks like, and decide whether you want to pursue anything with her. You're the one in the driver's seat. You're the one who determines if someone is worth your time, effort, and, eventually, money. You should strive to make the determination if she's worth your time and effort before you shell out any dough. This is the mentality you need to maintain.
Something else is going here, too. A guy who spends a significant amount of money on a first date (more than $50) often feels he's owed something in return, and the woman will probably be wondering in the back of her mind what he expects. This can make both parties feel uncomfortable. Instead, keep the first date casual and low-cost. Don't attach any expectations to the date and just have a good time. If you feel that she merits a second date, that's when you can take her somewhere nicer. This way, the nice meal on the second date feels like a reward to her ... not something you would do for any girl you just met -- and for whom you might have a hidden agenda.
In this particular situation, you didn't miss out on anything, because she clearly isn't girlfriend material. Just be ready next time to play the first-date game the way a Mack would.
