It was a full eight years ago, back in April 2007, that we first ran a Question of the Day that posted our spoof answers in response to some of the more ridiculous or badly worded queries this column had received over time. We had a blast making up the responses, and we vowed to do it again. So now, without further ado, here's Part II. Enjoy!
Congrats. You just did. Next!
Yup, they're one and the same. Penn Jillette has been doing the magician gig these past 40-some years solely to avoid the mind-crushing ennui he experiences in-between his bouts of debunking psychic claims, promoting free-market economics, starring in "Celebrity Apprentice," inventing ice cream flavors and sexually-stimulating hot-tub jets, collecting poetry and rock memorabilia, caring for his turtles, broadcasting radio shows, indulging his passion for the upright bass, or being a doting husband and father. Who can blame him? But actually, in his "real" job, Penn owns close to 30 casinos and racetracks and had assets of $4.6 billion back in 2011. He's just cursed with a really low boredom threshold.
Not since that awful "lobster lady" incident at the **** ******* back in 1987, which no one ever mentions, when that woman got boiled-alive in the hot tub. There was a (very) closed inquiry afterward, but some of the top-secret details about the new "Pool Protocol" were leaked, including the introduction of mandatory thermometers. As a result, we can reveal that these days, when it gets really hot, they actually turn off the heating ;-)
Joking aside, many years back when we called the former Greek Isles, now Clarion, to inquire to what temperature their year-round pool was heated, they assured us that it was set to a terrifying 105 degrees! And the Palms did stage a poolside sledding event back in August 2007, when they imported 25 tons of snow, but that was to celebrate the launch of Miller Chill beer. In 2010, as many as 26 people were hospitalized following a chlorine leak at MGM Grand's pool, and we've all heard of the "Vdara Death Ray" that once singed a sunbather's hair and melted his carrier bag as he lounged poolside, the only in-pool death we know of occurred at Hard Rock's Rehab party and that accident was a drunken drowning, not in any way related to the temperature of the water.
Great question! What was involved were a LOT of buckets. Obviously, they hoisted the old hole onto the roof with some big-a$$ cranes, otherwise they'd have had nowhere to put all that water that the valet parkers were obliged to hustle up to the top of the building in a human chain during their regular break times (we understand they were paid some overtime for their trouble). In a rare display (for that era) of recycling-consciousness, the developers realized it was a waste of time digging a new hole when they already had a perfectly good old hole, albeit in the wrong place, so they just winched it up, thus killing two birds (or, rather, holes) with one stone.
That all depends on where the "there" is to which you refer. If the casino is in, say, Moscow, we'd be wary, as we've had a number of friends robbed of their winnings by casino-owning gangs. Also, we checked with some online currency exchanges and according to yesterday's rate, 300 Russian rubles is only equivalent to $8.54, so you'd have to get a helluva deal on your flight to make the trip worthwhile, even if your room's comped. However, if by "there" you actually mean "here," as in Las Vegas, then we'd say a free 300 bucks and three free nights is better than okay, just as long as you didn't drop a half-mill on your last visit, in which case we'd seriously consider changing our casino host if we were you.
Chocolate coins. (And take our word for it, that's some really expensive confectionery -- it's something to do with owning the rights to the word "golden" and being able to charge market bullion prices for anything labeled 'gold,' so permit us to suggest some peanut brittle from Ethel M as a much more economical alternative.)
Back in the day, we would've unhesitatingly answered Question 1 with: "Palms and Hard Rock"; and Question 2 with: "The Western [where it might perhaps have set you back $10 or so for a bowl of particularly low-grade meth], or Ellis Island [if you had an LVA all-you-can-drink MRB coupon]." But now the Western is no more and our cocktail coupon got cut back to a mere three free rounds of drinks for two people, which probably isn't enough to lower the lady's inhibitions quite enough. So, we're afraid you're on your own with this one. Palms and Hard Rock may still hold true (unless you mean "hot" as in "sweaty because the A/C doesn't work," in which case just seek out the lowest-rated hotels on TripAdvisor.com). Good luck on your quest.
Hmm. Well, we've been posting QoD, day-in and day-out, since May 2005, so it comes as a horrible shock to us to learn that no one could actually see them all this time. Is this like the Emperor's New Clothes and our friends have just been stringing us along, humoring the research department with fake platitudes about our invisible handiwork? Or is it more like Tinkerbell in Peter Pan, and the problem lies in the that you just don't believe in QoD enough to be able to see it? Aha! Yup, pretty sure we just nailed it. Phew. Poor you. Try harder. Oh, wait, you probably can't read this...
Awesome idea, and with big spenders like you out there, we too are baffled about how this whole terrible scenario ever came to pass. But why stop there? While we're at it, let's raze Wynn, Venetian, and Bellagio and bring back DI, the Sands, and the Dunes, too!
Nah, it's usually just a complete free-for-all and that's why Antonio "the Magician" Esfandiari is the biggest-"winning" poker player of all time, because he just used his sneaky sleight-of-hand skills to steal all that $18 million in chips when no one was looking.
Did no one explain to you that all the European-themed casinos in Las Vegas went metric awhile back? Paris, Venetian, Palazzo, and Luxor (Egypt used to be ruled by the French, you know) now all have metric toilets, but casinos being as tight-a$$ed (no pun intended) as they are, they're using up all the old imperial-measurement toilet-seat covers before they buy new ones, hence the discrepancy. Then again, perhaps it's just that your butt got bigger?
Yes, dear Watson, you are correct in your deduction. The truth is, they found out that when they switched from the regular vanilla/tropical aromas favored elsewhere, it really upped sales in the coffee shop and Pink Taco, plus just the mere aroma of marijuana has been found to have a calming effect on the crazies at Rehab, so the Rock switched from the smell of coconut to some of Cali's finest chronic. The casino is now actually in the forefront of the local lobbying efforts against legalizing Las Vegas weed dispensaries, since they don't want the opposition stealing their thunder once everyone and their dog is walking around with a blunt in their hand/paw.
Hmm. Although it's long-gone now, if you asked the dude with the wrecking ball whether or not the Normandie Motel was real or not, we're pretty sure he'd reply in the affirmative. Whether or not The King actually ever laid his head there or not is a different matter, and we could find no conclusive proof either way. With regard to the International/Las Vegas Hilton/LVH, your reasoning is interesting, but as far as the relationship between Elvis and this off-Strip property is concerned, we have a feeling that it's because of the fact that it's common knowledge the singer pretty much slept there every night for about eight years that the property deemed a sign unnecessary (although the big bronze statue and plaque outside are a bit of a giveaway that there was some kind of significant connection between the two). The other reason is, of course, the more pertinent fact that he's still sleeping there, as any ghost hunter will tell you. While the spirits of long-departed headliners are great business for the Haunted Vegas Tour (which, evidently, you have not yet taken), ghoulish apparitions generally aren't so good for the hotel trade, plus they just want to protect the guy's privacy, you know, so have a little respect and let him rest there (nightly) in peace.
Nope, sorry, you just missed it. As soon as we've finished typing this answer, we're all downing keyboards and heading off to the beach. Don't you just hate it when you're timing sucks like that? P.S. If you're in the area, please leave some food out for the office cats and keep an eye on your mailbox for a postcard from Maui!
