Bonnie and I were in the congregation at a memorial service for a lady we knew from square dancing who had just passed away. One of the quotations that was meaningful to the deceased was an Audrey Hepburn quotation that said, “Happy girls are the prettiest.”
I was unfamiliar with that quotation, but I realized that it was appropriate for my wife Bonnie as well. Bonnie’s overall happiness is one of her most attractive qualities.
The minister who led the service said a few things, but he didn’t have a lot to work with. He didn’t know the lady and her husband was so distraught that he couldn’t help much. Fortunately, the minister asked members of the congregation to stand up and say something and several of us did so impromptu. It struck me that the service could have been so much better if preparations had been made earlier.
When I got home, I started two separate lists: things that should be said at Bonnie’s memorial service and things that should be said at mine. If I’m able to create and add to both lists until the time they are needed, these will surely make for better services. If I’m still a competent speaker when Bonnie dies, I’ll likely lead the secular part of the service myself. If I’m not competent at the time, my lists will be a treasure trove for whomever does lead that service.
The question is never “if we die,” but rather “when.” Bonnie and I are both in our seventies so we likely have less time remaining than most of my readers, but everyone’s time will come eventually. Perhaps we all should be making such lists.
Bonnie is taking this exercise as a good idea and doesn’t view it as morbid or me “thinking about getting rid of her.” This is a good thing. If we both participate in this project, so much the better. Bonnie has mentioned several things that should go on each of the two lists. Also, a number of “Don’t you dare tell them about that time when xxx.” I tease her that she’ll be gone at that time and whomever the speaker is (namely me, hypothetically at least) will have the last word. Most of the time, of course, I keep the secrets she wants me to keep. But there are some that I think the world should know and while she’d be too embarrassed to have them told in front of her, I believe others will appreciate hearing them. I will have the last word, but it will be said lovingly with a sense of humor.
For my service, Bonnie will not be the speaker. That’s just not something she’s comfortable doing. I have a brother who could do a good job, as well as a few friends. (Richard Munchkin is a name you’ve heard of who might be one of the possibilities. I have other friends who are also good speakers. A list of people who could do a good job is part of what I’m preparing. I believe the most interesting memorial services are led by someone who knew the deceased well.)
Right now, the lists are simply growing. For Bonnie, it now includes the Hepburn quote, our first argument (which is a cute story), a whole lot about her life before we met including the first time I met her now-deceased husband, how she learned to dance at age 70, and a whole lot more. My list includes many gambling stories, of course, but there are a lot of other things that have happened to me unrelated to gambling.
There is no such thing, at this point, of having too long a list. It’s relatively easy to pick and choose among such a list and come up with a speech of any desired length. It’s much easier to shorten the list when you have an abundance of possibilities than it is to make up relevant stuff when you have no idea.
A separate list that will be included in each of these files will be people who are important to us and we feel deserve to be acknowledged as major influences in our life. Since we’re both septuagenarians, many of these heroes are dead. But many aren’t. This list of people will create reminders to have conversations with these people acknowledging how we feel. Some of the people on the list know how we feel — but some don’t. Figuring out what to say and going ahead and saying it to some of these people will be a nourishing activity on both sides. Without actively trying to figure out who goes on this list, many people will be forgotten until it’s too late.
Somewhat of a surprise, this exercise (which is continuing) is uplifting. It gives Bonnie and me both thoughts of, “Maybe I made a difference” and “This is how I can make an additional difference in my remaining time.”
I know this column has nothing to do with gambling — but sometimes I feel the need to try to inspire others. That was my goal today.
Kudos for not only thinking ahead, but encouraging us all to do the same. I’m a pastor who always longs to tell the deceased’s story well enough that no one can tell if I didn’t know them; it feels like anyone deserves that. Planning these things in advance goes against our thinking of living for today, but is a gift to our loved ones after we’re gone.
saint paul says, I would rather be out of the body and with the LORD than to stay here !!!
saint paul says , I would rather be out of the body and with the LORD than to stay here for that is the far better thing !!!
Excellent thoughts and column.
As a financial professional, I’d just like to add that in most families, there is usually one person who manages the finances and pays the bills. One of the most thoughtful things one can do for the surviving spouse is to make a comprehensive step-by-step document which delineates the monthly, quarterly, annual things that need to be done with the household finances. This should include passwords for the computer you pay the bills on, passwords for individual websites you use and contact information for any financial advisors, attorneys, etc.
It is bad enough to lose someone close, and then be faced with the problems of keeping the lights on, the taxes and insurance paid, and the million other things that will be coming due in very short order.
well said !! hc
Guru Perf, I was going to post the exact same thing. And I would add that you should make known exactly how the funeral process should take place. From the simplest things ( cremate or not, viewing only, viewing and mass, what music, what readings ( if there is a mass), etc.
The more you do now, the less stress there is on the remaining spouse. Play out the events in your head and make sure you make the arrangements to have those things done.
And in addition to the financial records, make sure the other records are available and have instructions for their use. Email,Facebook, twitter, website, etc. The passwords should be available in safe deposit box.
And in your case, all of your slot club info, frequent flier info, etc should be available as well.
When my brother died rather suddenly at 58, his grieving wife got numerous calls from credit card companies demanding immediate payment on any credit card balances. It doesn’t matter if you have excellent credit and never missed a bill in your life, they will demand immediate payment. Be prepared for that.
It gets way more complicated if you have children. Lots to think about and do and none of it is pleasant but it is a tremendous gift for your family
The wife of a friend of my husband died a horrific death in a car crash…too awful to describe.. I had been in her presence only a couple of times, but at those times she made me feel like the most important person in the room…she had that gift. At the funeral when asked if anyone had any words to say not one person stood up. It was a long, embarrassing silence. This could not be happening!! Everyone there knew her much longer than I did, but I guess they were in shock as well as the grieving husband. I was the least person to do it, but I stood and just told how Peggy made a shy stranger feel valued in a crowd of otherwise close friends.. It broke the ice and a few people spoke. So my advice is never let that happen. If caught in that situation, just stand up and say the nicest thing you can remember about the person. In fact think of it before the service. Their family members will appreciate it. Very good advice from Bob, though, about preparing for the inevitable.
I’ve buried many family members and friends since 1958. And I still visit their graves at age 70 as I did with my parents as a child. I think being realistic about death makes it much easier to cope with. Great column with great responses. I agree, happy girls are the prettiest.
The online funeral services now offer a choice. Select burn or bury the add to cart. They take credit cards. B-) Stay alive Bob. We need your insight.
speaking for myself, I have everything documented and in order should I pass on even as early as tomorrow. My trust and finances are all in shape, and my loved ones taken care of. And I have meticulous documentation and instructions for my heirs and trustee. However, it is my wish to not have a service for me. When my late wife passed, in accordance with her request too, we had no service. But what I do want is a small dinner party for family and friends to have a good time, eat a lot of good food, drink a lot of good drink and wine, and just remember the good times. And I mean GOOD FOOD AND GOOD DRINK!! WTH — I will be gone so there is no need to have a service and memorial. Just remember me with a good time.
My father passed away recently. I thought I had his finances in control but it turns out, that even with a lot of planning, there were still some complications. I learned quite a bit. For instance, a Durable Power of Attorney is nowhere near as powerful as you think. It also expires when the client passes away. Also, Joint Tenant on an account is greater than beneficiary which is greater than the will which is greater that DPOA.
There are many other nuances. So, I’d suggest taking a dry run before the final event to make sure everything is according to plan. Don’t assume something is in place. Make sure that it is.