Longtime readers of mine have read several dozen articles that at least mentioned my wife Shirley. Shirley and I are no longer married. We divorced five months ago, due primarily to her health. She has severe COPD (a lung disorder) and couldn’t be around anyone who had contact with first- or second-hand smoke. While I’m not a smoker, I spend a lot of time in casinos and even showering immediately after I came home wasn’t good enough. According to Shirley, my pores reeked of cigarette smoke. To stay with her, I would have needed to give up casinos entirely and move away from Las Vegas. Given my vocation, I found this to be a difficult dilemma. Even though I was extremely reluctant to do this, with all factors considered, it seemed best for both of us that we go our separate ways.
Shirley also gave up dancing — her greatest passion — because dancers often wear perfume, smoke between dances, or exude other allergens which might send her to the emergency room. Dancing was the biggest bond in our marriage. Without dancing, I didn’t think we had enough in common to make it as a couple.
For more than two months after our December divorce, I continued to wear my wedding ring, hoping for some sort of reconciliation. It never happened. Sometime in late February, I realized that we were never going to get together again. With many tears, I took off my wedding ring and decided to move on with my life.
Backtracking a bit, in January I began attending an advanced square dance class. My initial goal was to learn the steps so that I could teach Shirley when she became well enough to go dancing again. My partner for the class, a woman named Bonnie, was a recent widow (since August) whom both Shirley and I had known and liked for about four years. Bonnie was recovering from the death of her husband and was perfectly willing to be my Platonic dance partner. She was also willing to step aside when Shirley recovered enough to join the class. (I have MANY Platonic female friends in the square dancing community — and, for that matter, in the video poker community as well). Just belonging to a square dancing group helped speed my recovery from the shock of divorce. All of the group members knew and liked both Shirley and me, understood the dynamics of the situation, and were supportive of us both.
It is quite possible that Shirley will never recover sufficiently to go dancing again. It is virtually certain that Shirley and I will never get together again as a couple. In March, I began to date Bonnie. I’ll tell you more about Bonnie after a brief digression.
In early December, when it became evident that I needed to leave our home, some friends of mine stepped up big time and helped me out. Michael Gaughan told me I could stay at the South Point for free as long as I needed a place to live. One of my best friends in the video poker world, a woman named Annie who is a tax accountant, spends four months a year in New Jersey practicing that profession. Annie and her partner, Barbara, offered to let me house-sit their lovely home while they were away. I gratefully accepted their very generous offer. They are now back in Vegas and I have my own apartment.
Several years ago I challenged Annie with a teaser which went like this: Mary’s mother has five daughters. The first one spells her name N-A-N-A. The second one spells her name N-E-N-E. The third one spells her name N-I-N-I, and the fourth one spells her name N-O-N-O. How does the fifth daughter spell her name?
If you like puzzles and have done a lot of them, it is easy to figure out that M-A-R-Y is the answer to the puzzle. People who haven’t done a lot of puzzles find it more difficult and frequently come up with an incorrect answer.
Annie has said many times that she used the “Mary test” to determine if someone was smart enough for her to date. I figured that when Annie met Bonnie, Annie would ask Bonnie the name of the fifth daughter to figure out whether Bonnie was smart enough for ME to date. I also predicted that Bonnie would not answer the puzzle correctly. Although Bonnie is a bright woman (she’s a retired nurse), figuring out puzzles isn’t what she does for fun.
So a couple of weeks before Annie came back to town, I gave the “Mary test” to Bonnie. Bonnie guessed N-U-N-U, which is the most common incorrect answer. When I explained the correct answer was M-A-R-Y, Bonnie understood immediately and laughed at herself for not answering correctly the first time.
When Annie and Barbara came back to Vegas, I took all three women out to dinner at Michael’s, the wonderful gourmet steak house at South Point. I hosted the dinner, in part, to show my gratitude to Annie and Barbara for letting me stay at their house; I also wanted them to meet Bonnie. Although it’s still early, I think Bonnie will be a special person in my life for quite some time.
Sure enough, Annie brought up the “Mary test.” Annie asked me if I had already asked Bonnie about Mary’s mother. I wasn’t about to lie to Annie, but I was definitely willing to deflect the question and let her draw her own (erroneous) conclusion. I said, “I don’t think that puzzle says much about anyone’s suitability for dating, but you can ask her if you want.”
So Annie asked the question and Bonnie got it right. (Of course!) Annie was very impressed and pronounced Bonnie as definitely date-worthy for me. I told Annie that I agreed that Bonnie was date-worthy, but that the “Mary test” had nothing to do with it. The bottom line was that I was happy with my choice and that should be good enough for Annie. Annie smiled and agreed. And when Annie reads this article it will be her first clue that Bonnie and I pulled the wool over her eyes about the “Mary test.”
Although this incident is somewhat humorous, the main reason I’m writing this article is to let the world know that Shirley and I are no longer together. There have been times recently when Bonnie and I walked through a casino holding hands. Many people know Shirley well enough to recognize that the woman they see me with is not Shirley. There have been a few strange looks from people who know me and apparently thought I was some kind of a jerk who was married to one woman and openly flaunting a relationship with another. Whatever shortcomings I have, I’m not that kind of a jerk and I don’t want people thinking that I am.
I avoided writing this column for five months — primarily because I didn’t want to have lots and lots of people coming up and expressing their sorrow that Shirley and I aren’t together anymore. But it is finally time. Since many of you will see me with Bonnie, it’s time that you know the circumstances behind this relationship. You may be concerned that Bonnie and I are moving too fast too soon. But I’d rather risk you thinking that than thinking of me as a philandering husband.
Although I’m very sad that my 17-year marriage ended abruptly under very strange circumstances, I’m also optimistic about my personal future. If you like, you can be sad for me for losing Shirley, but I hope you can also be happy for my future.
(Author’s note: During the editing process it was mentioned to me that this article has a “The Queen is Dead — Long Live the Queen!” theme to it and that some readers will find this insensitive towards Shirley’s situation. I understand that point of view and will try to address it in this note.
Shirley has read a draft of this article. Shirley is used to me writing about her and in this case finds it easier to get out the word to a large group of people than one at a time. She has a lot of friends in the video poker community and asked me to say good-bye for her.
Shirley is not happy with her health, and she is experiencing a lot of pain, loneliness, frustration, and “Why me Lord?” feelings. However, she still remains friends with both Bonnie and me. Bonnie is a good enough friend to Shirley that Bonnie spent 20 or so hours helping Shirley pack up and move. It was a little awkward at first due to Bonnie’s and my growing relationship but both women got by that rather quickly. Shirley was very grateful for the help.
Shirley (correctly) believes that Bonnie and I had no romantic contact for more than three months after the divorce and Shirley is also happy I seem to have landed on my feet after this rather severe setback. I wish nothing but the best for Shirley and hope she regains a large part of her health and is able to live happily ever after.)