On Mother’s Day, my wife Bonnie suffered a stroke — meaning a blood clot to her brain. Fortunately, she was at a church service with her daughter and sister, and they rushed her to the ER.
I had been “investing” until about six in the morning and wasn’t at church with them. I got a phone call as soon as she was checked in. We all agreed that spreading out the visitors was better than all three of us being there at once, and that I would come later in the day to relieve them. My daughter-in-law wasn’t at all sure Bonnie was going to survive this. I started crying when I heard this.
Two hours later I got a call and was told that the nurse said I should get there fast.
SHIT!
I pulled myself together as best as I could and got to the ER. They are trying to get a blood sample from Bonnie, and Bonnie is thrashing around, loudly screaming in gibberish. Bonnie’s full name is Bonita, meaning “pretty” in Spanish, but now she is ugly. Her face is contorted in pain/rage/confusion. I hold one arm still while a nurse draws blood. While I outweigh her 2-to-1 and can easily immobilize one of her arms, this is the first time in our relationship that I have used my strength to overpower her and it bothers me a lot. But for now, at least, it is necessary.
They wanted to do tests, such as an MRI of the brain and CAT scans, but Bonnie is thrashing around so much that they would have to sedate her to do this. She has “Do Not Resuscitate” and “Do Not Intubate” medical directives on file and if they slightly over-sedate her and she goes into respiratory or cardiac arrest, they would not be allowed to revive her. So, they are hesitant to give her tranquilizers.
On the spur of the moment, I decide to bring out my iPhone and start playing “Could I Have This Dance” by Canadian pop-country artist Anne Murray. This is “our song.”
Although the song was in the soundtrack of the 1980 movie “Urban Cowboy,” and has been played at many thousands of weddings over the years, it’s the song I had used to teach her to waltz thirteen years ago. The waltz has become Bonnie’s favorite dance, and whenever we are out dancing, we request this song. We claim the song is ours — although many other couples make the same claim.
When the music started, Bonnie immediately quieted down. She started to sing the song, off key and in gibberish, so I began to sing along with her, also off key, but not in gibberish. When the song ended, I played it again.
After three or four repetitions of Anne Murray, I switched to some of her other favorite songs. She remained quiet and relatively docile. The nurse was amazed and told the powers that be that Bonnie was now quiet enough to get the MRI and CAT scans. I accompanied her to the room where they did this, playing songs on my phone. For safety reasons I was removed from the room when the machines were working, but my phone remained, playing songs, and Bonnie remained quiet enough for them to get accurate readings.
From the ER, they transferred Bonnie to an Intensive Care Unit, where each nurse has only two patients to monitor. While she was 1000% better the following day, she couldn’t remember anything that happened the day before after going to church. And although ICU was no longer necessary, they kept her there for the remainder of her hospital stay because there was no available “next level down” hospital room.
It was an actual stroke, albeit a relatively mild one, and brain damage was done. Her memory is perhaps 90% of what it was, and she doesn’t recognize people as well as she used to. But she’s alive and functioning at a reasonable level. There is some follow-up therapy that needs to be done.
Although I have help, I am Bonnie’s chief caregiver — and she needs more now. This means I have to re-prioritize how much time I spend away from the house. We ordered her a medical guardian unit to wear so she can call for help if she needs it. She’s good about wearing it every day, and sort of good about having her cell phone with her most of the time. When I go over plans for the current day and upcoming days, I know I will have to go over these plans two or three times.
Although we expect she will recover a little and eventually have nearly the same amount of energy she had before, when brains get damaged, they don’t regenerate all that much.
While there is no doubt in my mind that I will be with her, helping her, for as long as we both shall live, both our lives have changed. I’m now spending more time at home. I’m not gambling nearly as much. This may change eventually. I don’t know.
It’s not what I foresaw. It’s not what I wanted. But it’s the right thing to do now and both of us are doing the best we can.
I don’t know why someone would
want to request do not hesitate
people should stay alive as long
as possible
Robert,
People request do not resuscitate because although we have the capability to keep people alive, many times we do so at the expense of their quality of life. Laying in a bed hooked to IV’s, tubes and machines can be traumatic and many times we don’t have the ability to cure their problems.
Sorry to hear about Bonnie’s troubles. Best wishes for a good recovery. Strokes are scary events
So sorry to hear!! I wish her the best. Glad that she is back to 90% quickly. The remaining 10% will most likely come back over time. Being there and caring for her will be the best therapy.
as you know in life we can not predict what will happen or what will happen or when. as we get older it gets worse for loved ones to.
now you have to take care of yourself so that you can take care of Bonnie
wish her s speedy recovery so that she can pick on you
Sounds like Bonnie got to the ER and good medical care in time. Kudos to all involved. Prayers for Bonnie’s continued recovery!
Bob
Really glad she had good people around her to get her help fast.And that you were there and had the inspiration to play “your song”. Wishing her a strong recovery and you both many more years together dancing the night away. Bobby
Our prayers are with you and Bonnie!! You have been a “Guru” and “Saint” to all Video Poker Players.
We all hope she will be 100% very soon, and your life together can continue to be a “Royal Flush”!
Bob,
That is an amazing story. You did everything right, and then some. Playing the music was brilliant. There’s a whole lot of medical evidence that shows music, especially familiar music, does a world of good.
As for the do not resuscitate, that is a very personal choice. My wife Hailey Marie, is a nurse and she can tell you a dozen horror stories of families who keep a loved one alive through extraordinary means even though the chance of survival is small. And even if they survive, life would never be the same.
I don’t know your religious background but I will say prayers for you and Bonnie. God Bless.
I am a retired nurse, saw lots of misunderstanding about the use of resuscitation measures and interpretation/honoring prior wishes.
I am very sorry to hear about Bonnie.
About a week ago my best friend Rich, whom you had met and I had known for 54 years, had a massive stroke and died a few day later. I also played music for him. At one point he mumbled the title of the song on my iPhone. It was “Play Misty for Me.”
As mentioned in Jimmy’s response, playing music for stoke victims is a very good idea. I concur that you did a very thoughtful and wise thing.
Keeping you both in my prayers.
Keeping you both in my prayers.
Prayers to you and Bonnie! I pray for a complete and full recovery!
I read your rssay to my non-gambling husband, Nick, between tears. As a life-long arts administrator, I know the power of music to soothe and heal is real. And Nick is now instructed to play So Happy Together if my blood thinners don’t keep a stroke at bay
All the best to you and Bonnie. You are lucky to have each other. Good thing VP has taught you patience.
Live your lives Live your lives
My thoughts are with you and Bonnie during this difficult time. No two strokes are alike, nor are the recovery paths. I hope that Bonnie makes a steady recovery, my friend.
As for the DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order–sometimes you have to fight hospitals and doctors to NOT take useless, extensive, expensive measures. Some of this is their desire to avoid being sued by families, some of it is caution, and as I found out years ago with my grandmother, some of it is greed. I am grateful that when my mother (age 95) finally had her health give out less than two months ago, everything was clearly stated. She had a long, good life, and she was ready to go when and if. Being hooked up to machines and tubes endlessly was not what she wanted, and I am thankful that she went peacefully and presumably painlessly.
Bob,
I’m so glad that Bonnie made it, and you have the right attitude for this new phase of your lives together. Playing “your song” was a genius intuitive move. Best wishes for her recovery and a continued happy life together!
All my best to Bonnie on her road to recovery. Great to see she has a fantastic church family and support system to look after her.