I need to warn you right upfront what I am about to share is so shocking, so disturbing frankly, I think it’s a sign that the Empire is crumbling. That the Republic may not withstand this assault on all we hold dear. Prepare yourselves, people, it’s gonna be rough.
Here it is. I attended two different Thanksgiving events this year. One on Thursday at a friend’s church and another on Saturday at a friend’s house. And this is the shocker. There were no MASHED POTATOES or GRAVY! AT EITHER EVENT! Stop the music! EMTs, I think someone needs help up front. I mean MY GOD, is there any hope we as a nation will survive this travesty of culinary injustice?
A good friend counseled me afterwards suggesting I go to KFC. I’m happy to report that at least there our hallowed institutions have not been destroyed.
Please join me in my noble crusade: mashed potato nation/gravy nation. Interesting. I’m getting calls from Idaho already.
Next! It’s gift card season. Wanna fight foodflation? It’s simple math, folks. You’re already couponing, stacking, doing senior discount day (you are that old, right?).
Well, it’s that special time of year to grab the gift-card holiday bonanza gold ring, so get crackin’.
Costco’s is particularly lucrative. Do you eat at or spend at a particular venue all during the year? Your favorite restaurant chain? Movies? Uber? If you eat, imbibe, or spend regularly, they’re offering 20% or 25% discount cards! Load up!
Sweet is getting that special hot fudge sundae at 25% off. Or the steak or seafood special. It’s easy money. There’s only one caveat. Don’t LOSE them. Use a gift card wallet. Or an old recipe box.
Now onto my next grouse, these kids today.
I’m at the local mall heading to my car and what do I spy? A Silver American Express Business Card lying on the ground. Shopping spree? Nah. Being the good Samaritan, I pick it up. It has the person’s name, so I look up the number. I call and get a hang up. I send a text ID’ing myself and that I have their card. No response. I call AGAIN, leaving a message.
The address happens to be in my neighborhood on the way home, so I figure I’ll drop it off. It’s a design firm and the glass front door is locked, but I can see folks inside, so I knock.
A young woman comes to the door, smiling, so I’m pretty sure she knows who I am. She just cracks open the door and asks, “Where did you find it?”
Oh, I think, so you did read the text or listen to the voicemail.
But no “Hi” or “C’mon in.” She snatches the AMEX card out of my hand, says “Thanks,” closes the door, and turns away.
Wow. These kids today.
I mean, I wasn’t expecting a reward, but … I guess I’ll get karma points.
KIDS!/I don’t know what’s wrong with these kids today/KIDS!/Who can understand anything they say/KIDS!/They are disobedient, disrespectful oafs/Noisy, crazy, sloppy, lazy loafers/And while we’re on the subject/KIDS!/ You can talk and talk ’til your face is blue/KIDS!/But they still do just what they want to do/ Why can’t they be like we were, perfect in every way/What the matter with kids today?
That’s from “Bye Bye Birdie”, sung by the character Mr. MacAfee. I played that role 29 years ago and still remember the words to that song (at least the first verse). The show opened on Broadway in 1960. Proof that every generation ticks off the one before it. Yes, she was rude and unappreciative, like every generation towards its elders.
100% Raymond.
I’m just an old crabby guy ..
I was a crabby middle-aged guy when I played the role. Now I’m a crabby old guy.
The world NEEDS us crabby old guys, to look down upon, to look forward to getting our money (if we have any), to indulge in stereotypes, and to try to extract our knowledge about lots of things.